The Contest of Deep Dark Secrets
by Ratt9
Summary: Light proposes a contest where everyone has to write down their embarrassing secrets, and everyone tries to figure out which secret goes to whom. Who chased clowns with forks? Who draws themselves wearing bras? Who has a Barney the Dinosaur obsession?
1. The Rules, aka Prologue

Okay. First things first. It is now an official fact: This story is going to be very confusing. Maybe not for you, the reader. But. This story. Is really. Confusing. To. Write. And. Come up with. x.x Every time I think I finally have it all figured out and all the problems are worked out, I discover one more plothole or complication or whatever. It is becoming more and more apparent that I am going to need someone's help if I'm going to write this—a beta of sorts, but instead of helping with grammar, they will make sure everything makes sense and assist in figuring a few things out. I'm sorry that I sound so unpleasant. It's just that I stayed up all night coming up with deep, dark secrets for everyone and rules for the contest and crap and I'm rather tired. –waves white flag of surrender- Someone, please help! (I'm also rather loopy, so in the morning, I'm probably going to be horribly embarrassed by whatever I just wrote in the author's note. If I filled it with personal drama, I apologize. If I said something totally unrelated, ignore it. If I said something really creepy, try to forget it. If I said something that sounded logical, question it. o_O Now I don't even know what _I'm _saying. I'll stop talking now.)

: : IF YOU WISH TO BE MY ASSISTANT FOR THIS, IT IS RECOMMENDED THAT: :

~You are often readily available to be contacted

~You are good at catching plot/rule mistakes

~You are good at keeping facts straight

~You have at least some desire to do it

Someone…Please help me!

Light swore that he could literally feel the boredom in the air. He brought his hand up to push his hair out of his face and sighed. It had been almost a month since L had purchased _his _Light Saber, and the super-sleuth had _finally _gotten tired of taunting him with it and had put it away—locked it up in that magical closet of his, probably right next to Chuck Norris (whom Light still swore had been in Headquarters), or his flippin' _chainsaw_.

_Skeletons in the closet, _Light thought absently. The faint outline of an idea tickled his mind. He glanced at L, who appeared to be doing work on the computer. However, due to the countless months that Light had been handcuffed to the man, he could tell that the detective was, in fact, just as bored as he was.

"Hey, Ryuzaki," Light uttered, getting L's attention.

"What is it? Did Light-kun find something?" As L said that, the rest of the task force looked up from whatever they were doing, curious.

Not quite enthused that everyone was looking at him when he really only wanted to speak of an unimportant matter, Light looked at L and informed, "I believe I would like to propose a contest."

As soon as the words "propose a contest" passed through the prodigy's lips, Matsuda flung himself head-first at the trashcan against the wall as if Light had just told him that The Holy Grail, Misa's underwear, and the Easter Bunny were among its contents.

Because obviously Matsuda was too large to fit _inside_ said trash can (Lol that sounded perverted x3), it toppled over, sliding across the tile. Matsuda lay sprawled out on the floor.

"…What was that all about?" Aizawa asked, weirded out.

"No more contests!" Matsuda gasped, looking terrified. "I just got out of Contest REHAB!"

"Is there really such a thing?" L mused, mainly to himself.

At that moment, Watari entered the room with Misa. "Miss Amane is here for a visit," he announced, ignoring Matsuda, who was still lying on the floor next to the overturned trashcan.

"What's going on?" Misa asked, walking in. Not looking where she was going, she accidentally stepped on Matsuda. Mistaking him for a doormat, she paused to wipe her shoes on him before proceeding.

Matsuda did not seem pleased.

"Light-kun was just proposing a contest," L explained dully. He turned to look at Light. "By all means, do tell what type of contest it is that Light-kun has in mind. I merely hope that he does not suggest anything similar to any of the contests he has come up with in the past."

Light masked a glare with a forced smile. "Well," he began, "it's only the outline of an idea, so I was thinking that you could help me add to it. Everyone will have to participate for it to work." Light tried to think of a good reason for everyone to even _want _to take part. "The contest will…um…help develop deductive reasoning skills."

"Tell us already," Aizawa muttered impatiently.

"Well, the basic idea that I was thinking was…How 'bout we all have to write down 3 deep, dark, and/or embarrassing secrets about ourselves, each on separate slips of paper. Then, we put all of the slips of paper in a big pile and mix them up. We lay them all out, and then we have to try to figure out who wrote what," Light explained.

L bit his lip thoughtfully. "So…" he clarified, "if one of the scraps of paper have the words 'I am Kira' written on it, and I correctly deduce that it was written by you…what then?"

"Shut up, Ryuzaki. I'm not Kira. Though you're right…there's still the matter of what to do after that. How about we get a judge who knows which card goes to which person, and we go to the judge to see if we are right?" Light offered.

The rest of the task force could do nothing but listen helplessly as the two geniuses were sealing their fates right in front of them. Most likely sealing them into hell.

"Hmmm…that's not a bad idea," L decided. "Everyone could carry around binders with notes and match-up lists that they show to this judge whenever they want to make sure they are on the right track."

"Exactly. But we need to make sure that nobody will be able to abuse the power of confirming and disproving by using the judge."

"What if there is a limit to how many times you are able to get your findings reviewed by the judge?" Light asked.

"No…" L replied, "It may be necessary to check numerous times. Instead, there should be a consequence to getting it wrong. Hm…perhaps we set up a point system. What if we all start off with 0 points? For every person you are able to match a card up with correctly, you get 1 point. However, for every person you match up _incorrectly_, you get _negative _1?"

"That sounds good. What if…at the end of the contest, anyone who has a negative score has to read off all of their embarrassing secrets in front of everybody?"

"Clever, Light-kun. Though Light-kun is beginning to sound quite devious…perhaps you are doing this because _you are Kira! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !_" L laughed madly.

Everyone stared at him, giving him the Aizawa Face (For those of you who don't know: : : The Aizawa Face [definition]: The Aizawa face can be found on page 102 of the 4th volume of the manga. It is the face that Aizawa makes after he asks Matsuda, "so when exactly does Ryuzaki sleep?" Matsuda replies, "The other day I saw him sleeping in his chair while sitting like that." Then, Aizawa responds with "the Aizawa Face"…which basically looks like he's saying "wtf are you serious?").

"Are you okay, Ryuzaki?" Misa asked, breaking the awkward silence that had accumulated after his laugh attack.

L cleared his throat and lowered his head very slightly, looking almost embarrassed. "Yes," he answered, "It's just the sugar, that's all." He looked back at Light. "As Light-kun was saying…?"

"…I wasn't saying anything," Light informed.

"Oh yes, that's right. I was the one speaking." Everyone continued to stare at him in awkward silence. He looked at all the eyes in the room, and then clapped his hands once, loudly. "Detectives, do stop staring at me. It's actually rather creepy. It almost looks like you are eying me for supper."

"_You're _one to talk about creepy 'I-Am-Going-To-Devour-Your-Soul' staring, Ryuzaki," Light pointed out sarcastically.

L looked at him with innocent eyes. "Light-kun, I'll have you know that I _never _stare at people."

At soon as L made that comment, Light mysteriously developed an unknown cough.

"You might want to cover your mouth when you cough, Light," Soichiro said, "you never know if it's contagious and fatal."

L, ignoring their sarcastic gestures, spoke up. "Light-kun, are we coming up with the rules or not?" Despite what his words seemed to suggest, L spoke with a very patient tone of voice.

"Oh, right. Hmmm…there needs to be a time limit," Light decided.

"Time limit for what, exactly?"

"The amount of time it takes to complete the contest," said Light. "And what if…if no one has been able to figure out everyone's DDS (**D**eepest **D**arkest **S**ecrets) by the deadline, _everyone _has to read all of their embarrassing things out loud in front of everybody?"

Mogi, who had been observing the conversation silently for its duration, suddenly broke out a wicked grin. "I do like that idea," Mogi said, a hint of malice in his voice. He looked like he was about to start cackling evilly at any moment.

Before he could even be given a chance to do said evil cackle, L spoke up, "The time limit shall be…15 days. In some cases, people might just make a lucky guess. This would be unfair. Therefore, before you are able to officially match someone up with a card, you _must _provide the judge with some sort of proof that led you to believe that the card went with that particular person."

"Sounds good. Each person should be assigned only 3 slips of paper to start. That way, no one will know who to suspect and be wary of when it comes to having to get proof of the secret," Light decided.

"That's a good plan. Now we just need to figure out who the judge will be." L thought for a moment. "Watari. You will judge this contest."

"No way!" Watari exclaimed, causing L to blink in shock. "I am totally gonna play this contest!"

"…"

"…."

A high-pitched shriek pierced the silence. "MISA-MISA WILL BE THE JUDGE! PICK MISA-MISA!" The girl hopped up and down.

"Erm…sure," Light agreed slowly.

Matsuda slowly raised his hand. "Matsuda," L snapped, "this is not kindergarten. You do not need to raise your hand in order to speak! Spit it out."

"Uh…" Matsuda started quietly and shakily, "Does everyone…_have _to participate…?"

L grinned a super wide smile and said, "Yes… ^ _ ^" his smile faded… "…._or else_."

Matsuda whimpered and started running around Kira HQ on four legs like a dog. Watari had to restrain him with a leash.

"Now…Everybody, write down 3 of your deepest, darkest, and/or embarrassing secrets. Then place them in a pile in front of Amane," L instructed, starting to write things down himself.

_~Time Passes~_

After each individual card had been placed inside the middle pile. Misa mixed them up, took out a pen, and began to number each card one by one as follows:

_Card 1: I used to wet my bed until I was 9 years old._

_Card 2: I used to pick my nose in class until my Freshman year of high school._

_Card 3: I used to crossdress._

_Card 4: I have a fear of turtles._

_Card 5: I used to sleep naked, & one night I sleepwalked out of my house and down the street without any clothes on._

_Card 6: I love Barney the Purple Dinosaur. I have Barney plushies & Barney sound tracks. I have seen every single Barney episode at least 5 times._

_Card 7: I used to have contests with myself to see how many days I could go without showering. My record is 26._

_Card 8: I am afraid of the dark._

_Card 9: I love Justin Beiber. _

_Card 10: I used to chase clowns with forks at birthday parties._

_Card 11: I used to steal porn magazines as a child just for the free coupons that were inside. I didn't even know what porn was. _

_Card 12: I once created a porn site. _

_Card 13: I once went to a funeral just for the food._

_Card 14: I have lachanophobia, the fear of vegetables._

_Card 15: My middle name is "Dickercock."_

_Card 16: When I meet a dog, I will sniff its butt to show that I am friendly._

_Card 17: I sometimes draw pictures of myself wearing a bra._

_Card 18: I was once the lead singer in a heavy metal rocker band, until I fell flat on my face onstage and decided never to make another public appearance again._

_Card 19: I used to have a crush on my imaginary friend._

_Card 20: I once glomped Mickey Mouse in Disneyland, causing him to fall backwards and crack his head open._

_Card 21: One night, when I was very drunk, I mistook my father for my girlfriend, and tried to…well, you know._

Misa would assign 3 cards to each person by the morning.

Okay, this chapter wasn't exactly meant to be funny. It was supposed to just give you a general idea of the rules. Please alert, review, or whatever you do! :D Thank you for reading!

I'd like at least 4 or 5 reviews before I submit another chapter. I have no idea what everyone thinks of this idea yet.

Btw…try to make your own guesses about which cards go to each person! I'm very interested to know, and see how close to the truth you are :D

Well, goodnight. x.x


	2. Hypothesis

This chapter is still kinda all just getting the story started. It will begin to pick up in the next chapter, hopefully.

I'm still looking for a volunteer assistant! :D

Thank you all SO much for all the reviews! :D It made me really happy! :D 

Well, enjoy!

_: : : REFERENCE : : :_

_Card 1: I used to wet my bed until I was 9 years old._

_Card 2: I used to pick my nose in class until my Freshman year of high school._

_Card 3: I used to crossdress._

_Card 4: I have a fear of turtles._

_Card 5: I used to sleep naked, & one night I sleepwalked out of my house and down the street without any clothes on._

_Card 6: I love Barney the Purple Dinosaur. I have Barney plushies & Barney sound tracks. I have seen every single Barney episode at least 5 times._

_Card 7: I used to have contests with myself to see how many days I could go without showering. My record is 26._

_Card 8: I am afraid of the dark._

_Card 9: I love Justin Beiber._

_Card 10: I used to chase clowns with forks at birthday parties._

_Card 11: I used to steal porn magazines as a child just for the free coupons that were inside. I didn't even know what porn was._

_Card 12: I once created a porn site._

_Card 13: I once went to a funeral just for the food._

_Card 14: I have lachanophobia, the fear of vegetables._

_Card 15: My middle name is "Dickercock."_

_Card 16: When I meet a dog, I will sniff its butt to show that I am friendly._

_Card 17: I sometimes draw pictures of myself wearing a bra._

_Card 18: I was once the lead singer in a heavy metal rocker band, until I fell flat on my face onstage and decided never to make another public appearance again._

_Card 19: I used to have a crush on my imaginary friend._

_Card 20: I once glomped Mickey Mouse in Disneyland, causing him to fall backwards and crack his head open._

_Card 21: One night, when I was very drunk, I mistook my father for my girlfriend, and tried to…well, you know._

**Kira Task Force HQ, Late At Night…**

Misa looked over all of the DDS Cards and frowned in thought. All of the contestants had come to her separately and privately to inform her of what their 3 cards were. Now, it was up to her to assign each person 3 cards to figure out, but she was having trouble.

Passing her hand across her forehead, she sighed, "I have to have these completed by the morning, but I can't figure out what some good matches would be. What should I do, Rem?"

The shinigami looming over Misa's shoulder peered down at her. "You want me to pair people up for you?" Rem asked in clarification, sounding somewhat surprised.

Misa's face lit up. "That would be awesome! How do you plan on matching people up?"

Back in the shinigami realm, Rem had always been more of the aloof type and preferred to stay out of the games of others. However, on the occasional times that she _did _happen to take part in games, she always got _very _into them.

"Alright," she said, focusing her eyes on the paper before her, "I'm going to need you to describe each person in the task force to me a bit. With that info, I will be able to pair each person up with cards that others are least likely to think belong to that person anyway, just in case someone tries to glance at which cards anyone has."

Misa told Rem all about the police officers' personalities, and as much of the personal information that she knew about them (which was very little).

And with that knowledge, the god of death began organizing the humans in such creative ways.

_**DAY ONE**_

_7:12 am_

"Everyone will be getting one of these black binders," Misa informed the members of the task force as she passed out binders. "Inside each binder, you will find an envelope. Each envelope contains the first 3 DDS cards to figure out. Do _not _tell anyone else which cards you have."

Matsuda jumped and fist-pumped the air once, leaving everyone staring at him oddly. He blinked, and asked, "If we tell someone else which cards we were assigned, do we get disqualified? ! :D"

Because the question Matsuda asked was now out of the range of what Misa had been told, Misa just shrugged and said, "How should I know all those details? I'm just the judge."

L answered for her. "No, Matsuda. If you—and _especially _you in particular—tell anyone which cards you are supposed to be trying to figure out, each person will have to write two more secrets down, but the deadline will _not _be extended."

Matsuda whimpered like a puppy.

Once everyone had received their own personal binder, all of the contestants opened their white envelopes to see which 3 cards they would be trying to find the owners of first.

The lineup (as arranged by Rem) was as follows:

"**L" Is Assigned To:**

_**Cards 9, 17, 21**_

_Card 9: I love Justin Beiber._

_Card 17: I sometimes draw pictures of myself wearing a bra._

_Card 21: One night, when I was very drunk, I mistook my father for my girlfriend, and tried to…well, you know._

"**Light" Is Assigned To:**

_**Cards 4, 13, 15**_

_Card 4: I have a fear of turtles._

_Card 13: I once went to a funeral just for the food._

_Card 15: My middle name is "Dickercock."_

"**Aizawa" Is Assigned To:**

_**Cards 1, 18, 19**_

_Card 1: I used to wet my bed until I was 9 years old._

_Card 18: I was once the lead singer in a heavy metal rocker band, until I fell flat on my face onstage and decided never to make another public appearance again._

_Card 19: I used to have a crush on my imaginary friend._

"**Mogi" Is Assigned To:**

_**Cards 3, 6, 11**_

_Card 3: I used to crossdress._

_Card 6: I love Barney the Purple Dinosaur. I have Barney plushies & Barney sound tracks. I have seen every single Barney episode at least 5 times._

_Card 11: I used to steal porn magazines as a child just for the free coupons that were inside. I didn't even know what porn was._

"**Soichiro" Is Assigned To:**

_**Cards 7, 16, 20**_

_Card 7: I used to have contests with myself to see how many days I could go without showering. My record is 26._

_Card 16: When I meet a dog, I will sniff its butt to show that I am friendly._

_Card 20: I once glomped Mickey Mouse in Disneyland, causing him to fall backwards and crack his head open._

"**Matsuda" Is Assigned To:**

_**Cards 5, 12, 14**_

_Card 5: I used to sleep naked, & one night I sleepwalked out of my house and down the street without any clothes on._

_Card 12: I once created a porn site._

_Card 14: I have lachanophobia, the fear of vegetables._

"**Watari" Is Assigned To:**

_**Cards 2, 8, 10**_

_Card 2: I used to pick my nose in class until my Freshman year of high school._

_Card 8: I am afraid of the dark._

_Card 10: I used to chase clowns with forks at birthday parties._

Each person was encouraged to write an initial hypothesis about the cards they received.

Upon reading the cards in the envelope, Light hypothesized:

"_For Card 4…the one about fearing turtles. There is not much to go on for this one without doing a few tests. However, my first guess is that Matsuda is afraid of turtles, because…well, he's Matsuda. Need I say more? _

_For Card 13…going to a funeral for the food. That certainly seems like something Ryuzaki would do, except for the fact that I doubt he would be going to a funeral. Perhaps Watari ran out of sweets for him and decided it would be easier to take more from a funeral? That's actually kinda creepy…_

_For Card 15…Dickercock…who the hell would give their child such a weird middle name? Well, there is that one thing with the backwards spelling of my _own _name, but its not something so disturbing. Perhaps it's L, because he never shared his name, even before the Kira case."_

Aizawa wrote:

"_For Card 1…Gosh, that could be anyone. I have no idea, and I'm not really sure how I'm going to prove this one, either…_

_For Card 18…Lead singer? Maybe it was L. That might be why he had never revealed himself to anyone…_

_For Card 19…L seems like the type to do such an odd thing…"_

Mogi wrote:

"_For Card 3…I bet Light used to crossdress. He sits like a girl, with his legs crossed all the time._

_For Card 6…I'm not sure I even want to _know _who's obsessed with Barney the Dinosaur…_

_For Card 11…Maybe it was Light who stole porn magazines._

Before anyone else had even finished writing, L (who hadn't even picked up a pencil) stood from his chair and announced, "I've figured one out."

Everyone turned their heads to look at him with expressions of horror, each of them afraid that he might have figured out one of their own.

"Do you have proof, Ryuzaki?" asked Light nervously.

"Does Light-kun honestly believe that I would be so sure of myself if I _didn't_ have any proof?" And with that, L walked into the observation room, selected a tape from one of the drawers, and walked to the room that was currently serving as Misa's office.

"I've figured out Card 17, 'I sometimes draw pictures of myself wearing bras'," he informed.

Misa looked up. "Oh? And who do you say that it is?"

"Soichiro Yagami."

"Do you have any proof?"

"Yes." L walked over to the tv and popped the tape in the machine.

It was a surveillance tape from when he had been observing Light and his family. L fast-forwarded to a certain point and pressed Play.

The video featured Mr. Yagami walking through the front door, ignoring Sayu as she greeted him, going straight into his office, and scribbling something on a piece of paper.

Five minutes later revealed that what was scribbling had, in fact, been a very elaborate, professional-looking sketch of him—sure enough—wearing a bra, standing in a pose like a fashion model (with one hand on the back of his head, you know?).

"The funny thing is that Mr. Yagami was _aware_ that I was performing surveillance on his household at the time this clip was taken..." L murmured. He spoke up. "Is that proof enough?"

Misa looked a little bit scarred for life. "Y-yes…"

Thus, L scored the first point.

I have a feeling that I'm completely failing at being funny…I'm sorry. DX I'm still trying to get a feel for this story.

What do you all think so far? Review! Please! Each review submitted makes natural disasters more and more uncommon! O:

Thanks for reading! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

~Ratt K.

-4/19/2011


	3. Bieber Goes Screamo

Hello people! First of all, I would like to very much so thank Shinning-Darkness and X-tremeFighter2000 for volunteering to be my co-authors. You two have been great!

Well, I do hope you enjoy this chapter. ^ ^ -4/22/2011

**DAY 1, 10:06 am**

L stared hard at the three DDS Cards given to him. He had already figured out that Card 17 **{I sometimes draw pictures of myself wearing a bra}** belonged to Soichiro Yagami. Now the only two left to figure out before he could proceed was Card 9 **{I love Justin Beiber} **and Card 21 **{One night, when I was very drunk, I mistook my father for my girlfriend, and tried to…well, you know}**.

He pondered Card 21 with particular interest. He felt that the one who wrote it was being unclear with the last part of the sentence. Specifically, the words "_and tried to…well, you know_."

_No, I do _not _know… What could they mean by that…? _he wondered thoughtfully. _What might this person have tried to say or do with his father that was meant for his girlfriend…?_

L bit his thumb, brainstorming for ideas. _Perhaps this person invited his father out for tea? I can certainly see how _that _would be embarrassing… Or maybe he _proposed _to his father. What else might someone do with their girlfriend? Perhaps I shall observe Light with Misa to figure it out._

* * *

><p>Aizawa frowned upon his cards. He was having trouble deciding which one would be more impossible to get proof of—Card 1 or Card 19.<p>

Card 1 **{I used to wet the bed until I was 9 years old} **would be virtually impossible to prove, unless the person never washed their urine-soaked sheets and kept them lying around somewhere. Or still used them. You never know—some kids have weird habits and fetishes.

…Ew.

Card 19 **{I used to have a crush on my imaginary friend}** almost seemed to be a total impossibility. Unless, of course…the person still _had _the imaginary friend…

_I'll check the surveillance tapes in the observation room to see if anyone talks to themselves, _Aizawa decided. _But in the meantime…_

Card 18 **{****I was once the lead singer in a heavy metal rocker band, until I fell flat on my face onstage and decided never to make another public appearance again} **would be slightly easier to figure out. All he would have to do is search for punk rockers that fell down. But even so, who would even keep a record of that? Except for maybe some creepy, obsessed fan, he couldn't think of anybody.

_Alright, _he thought, _let's use deductive reasoning here. The person fell on his face—so he's clumsy—and he never made a public appearance again—so he's L. But L isn't clumsy—he's agile, flexible, and he knows capoeira. He'd probably make a better ballerina than a punk rocker. I'm so glad he can't read my thoughts or else he'd know I just thought of him as a ballerina…and that I just imagined him in a pink tutu and stockings. Little pink ballet shoes…Aizawa! Focus! Ugh…_

He scratched his head. "Matsuda is clumsy…" he muttered under his breath.

Light, hearing him say that, asked in disbelief, "You _just _noticed that?"

Aizawa waved him off. "No no, forget it." Light shrugged and turned back to whatever he was doing.

Suddenly, Aizawa got an idea.

This happened around the same time that L got an idea.

This was bound to turn out badly.

Both men went to retrieve the materials needed for their experiment.

**DAY 1, 10:47 am**

Light sat at the computer, appearing to be innocent. But obviously, he was not, as he was looking up…fluffy bunnies?

Okay, perhaps he was doing something innocent after all.

However, at that moment, very loud music exploded in the room.

"What the hell? !" Light exclaimed, startled.

He heard a young girl singing, **"You know you love me; I know you care. Just shout whenever, and I'll be there. You want my love; you want my heart. And we will never ever ever be apart…" **

_Wait a second…is that…a boy? _Light thought. Suddenly realization struck him. _Oh my god, is that…Justin Bieber? !_

He spun around in his chair, trying to find the source of the music. Light saw L parading around the room carrying a boom-box.

Before Raito's mind could even register what was going on, more unbearably-loud music started playing from a second stereo located on the other side of the room, being paraded around the room by Aizawa. This second song (that was being playing at the same time as the Bieber song) was such heavy metal that it almost sounded like static noise.

Light heard the main singer in the second song scream out the lyrics, **"So lock and load mercenaries! I see the smoke from the hilltop. They march one by one. The battled starts adversaries. We bathe in our blood—the worst is yet to come. We've reached the covenant to kill what we have started. Kill the machines! We've spawned to fight in the darkest hour!"**

Simultaneously, Bieber wheezed out, **"Are we an item? Girl, quit playing. We're just friends, what are you saying? Say there's another and look right in my eyes. My first love broke my heart for the first time, and I was like..."**

The volume was raised on both stereos, also at the same time. Raito, were he not so disoriented and confused about the situation, would have assumed that L and Aizawa had plotted this evil [?] idea together.

"_**WE STAY HERE TONIGHT! DON'T LET THEM FIND US OR WE'RE DEAD!"**_

"**Baby, baby, baby oooh! Like baby, baby, baby nooo! Like baby, baby, baby oooh! I thought you'd always be mine...Mine!"**

Light couldn't take this. He leapt at L first, trying to get the stereo/CD player away from him, and safely OFF.

But L was too fast.

Next he lunged at Aizawa. His genius mind couldn't even think properly with so much noise in the room. _Especially _such contradictory sounds.

Light didn't know which persons' stereo was emitting the worst sound—L's, which sounded like an old lady who lost her voice and had a car parked on top of her, or Aizawa's, which sounded like someone getting murdered.

And both were on full-blast.

Matsuda, Soichiro, Watari, and Mogi burst through the doors. "WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON? !" Matsuda tried to shout over the blaring music, but to no avail.

At this point, L and Aizawa were running around the room as if they were both certifiable and on crack, while Light chased after them wildly like a sheep-herding dog.

As he ran, Light flailed his arms madly above his head while screaming, "BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! ! ! ! ! ! ! !"

The four seemingly-sane men could do nothing but stand and stare as three of the most logical people on the task force went totally bananas and lost their grip with reality.

"_**Trace the blood back to the grave! The smoke has cleared; thousands are destroyed. They send signals, no salvation. We fight in, lock out, scope is ready to go. Armed with explosives, Spartans stand alone!"**_

"**For you I would have done whatever, and I just can't believe we ain't together. And I wanna play it cool, but I'm losin' you. I'll buy you anything, I'll buy you any ring. And I'm in pieces—baby fix me! And just shake me 'til you wake me from this bad dream. I'm going down, down, down, down, and I just can't believe my first love won't be around…"  
><strong>

All of a sudden, in the midst of all the chaos, Mogi ran over to the long computer desk, jumped up on top of it, and started singing along, "And I'm like~ Baby, baby, baby oooh! Like baby, baby, baby nooo! Like baby, baby, baby oooh! I thought you'd always be mine...Mine!"

Despite the extreme amount of noise that was filling the room, everything seemed to go silent as they all stared at Mogi with intense interest and shock.

At that moment, L dropped his stereo onto the ground so hard that it shattered (this was most likely his intention, for who would want to have to listen to Bieber for any longer than they had to?).

L, without a word, dashed out of the room to go and find Misa.

By the time he found her, he was out of breath. "Card 9!" he panted, "It's Mogi! Mogi…! He's…he's the one…who likes…Justin Bieber!"

Yay! Chapter 3 is finished! :D Well, was that expected? O: 

Please review! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

Every time you review, a previously infertile woman will become fertile! O:

Hope you enjoyed. –w-

~Ratt K.


	4. Vegetable Attacks and Barney's Execution

Hey everyone! I am so sorry that this took so long to update!

Meh…I'm having a hard time keeping everyone in-character in this story. =/ Sorry about that.

Well, enjoy!

**DAY 2, 8:03 am**

Matsuda had no idea how he would be able to prove Card 5 {**I used to sleep naked, & one night I sleepwalked out of my house and down the street without any clothes on**}. However, he had some idea about Card 14 {**I have lachanophobia, the fear of vegetables**}.

Obviously, it was L. He had never seen the man eat anything but sweets.

_However, it will probably be difficult to make him show any fear, _Matsuda thought to himself. _Therefore, I will have to go to extremes._

~ PAGE BREAK~

**DAY 2, 8:29 am**

L stared at Light interacting with Misa using the surveillance cameras. He was trying to figure out what the person who wrote Card 21 **{One night, when I was very drunk, I mistook my father for my girlfriend, and tried to…well, you know} **could have meant by "and tried to…well, you know."

_Misa ran up to Light to greet him. "Light!" she exclaimed cheerfully, very happy that he had bothered to visit her._

"_Uh, hi, Misa." Light didn't look quite as happy to see her as she did to see him._

"_Light! Guess what!"_

"_What is it?"_

_The blonde smiled widely and ran over to the coffee table in her suite. She started to run back over to him carrying a carrot cake in her hands._

"_Look, Light! Misa-Misa bought you a cake!" she exclaimed, still making her way to him. "Well, actually, Misa-Misa bought it using Watari's money, but still, it's the—whoa!"_

_While running, Misa accidentally tripped over a gigantic Barney the Purple Dinosaur plushie that was, for some reason, lying in the middle of the room. In the process of falling, the cake flew out of Misa's grip and smashed right in to her precious Raito's face._

"_Ahhhhh!" Misa shrieked, mortified at what had happened. "Misa is so sorry!" Light stood there as if he wasn't quite sure how to react. His head was covered in carrot cake._

L bit his thumbnail as he stared at the screen.

"Hmmm…perhaps this person tried to give their father a cake thinking he was their girlfriend…?" L wondered aloud. _Hmmm…on second thought, such an event wouldn't be very embarrassing…After all, it would be easy to disguise a cake delivery to your girlfriend as a cake delivery to your father out of gratitude for being a good…father? Hmm…perhaps not. I'll have to continue my observations of this._

L's attention was drawn again back to the purple dinosaur that had caused the poor cake's demise in the first place.

_Wait a second…Why is there a stuffed Barney lying on the floor in the first place?_

L stood up, glancing around the room at the other members of the task force. "Everyone," he said loudly, "Does anyone here know anything about the Barney lying in the other room?"

"Oh yeah," Mogi spoke up in a somewhat grave and dark voice, "that would be mine. Barney is here for the execution. _Barney's _execution. As in…the execution of _Barney_. Barney is about to get a death sentence. Barney…will be sentenced…to _death_. In fact, I'm going to do it right now." It all actually sounded very dramatic, the way he put it.

Because of this, no one really knew what to say or how to react when Mogi walked out of the room, ignored Light and his messed up face, and returned with the stuffed dinosaur.

Standing on top of a table so that the entire task force would be able to see him, Mogi held Barney over his head. "This," he began, "shall be the beginning of the end for this…erm…unnatural, mutated dinosaur." His tone of voice suggested that he was about to give a speech before the so-called "execution of Barney."

L was a bit amused by this. "Watari," he muttered, "please get me more cake."

"Right away."

The old man left the room and went to retrieve the cake.

Inwardly, Matsuda smirked evilly (Lol, can you imagine Matsuda smirking evilly? I can't. Fail. xD). He had modified Watari's food tray to contain vegetables. When L received the vegetables from Watari, he would freak out, thus confirming Matsuda's hypothesis. It was actually quite smart, coming from Matsuda.

Watari returned carrying the food tray. Jammed inside the vanilla cake was a chopped-up white carrot (white so that it would be less noticeable), and the cake had been re-lathered with cake frosting so that it wouldn't be immediately obvious that carrot pieces had been squashed into the pastry.

Peas that had been dyed white with food colouring lined the perimeter of the cake like little decorative beads. A few small, shredded flakes of a head of lettuce had been sprinkled on top, almost looking like some special sort of cheese, or pieces of coconut.

"Barney here is about to feel the wrath of I, Mogi, as well as the entire world," Mogi was saying, still going on and on about the fate of the barney doll.

Watari slowly made his way over to L with the tray.

Mogi held Barney over his head, about to tear his head off.

Matsuda watched Watari and L intently.

Mogi watched the entire task force intently, ready to observe their reactions to what he was about to do.

Watari looked down at the tray of cake, suddenly realizing that there were peas surrounding it at the bottom, and that it was laced in lettuce.

At that very moment, Mogi ripped Barney's head off.

About half of a second afterwards, Watari slammed the tray down on the ground. The old man was the only person with a reaction to the beheading. "Gah! !" he exclaimed.

Everyone looked at everyone, wondering what exactly was going on.

Mogi quickly pointed at Watari. "HA!" he cried, believing to himself that Watari had reacted as such because of Barney's execution, rather than because of noticing vegetables on L's cake.

Matsuda scratched his head, not understanding why Watari had freaked out like that. _Did Watari honestly care about Barney? _Matsuda wondered, puzzled. _That's so weird…_

Seeing as how Mogi had come to the same conclusion, Mogi went to Misa to inform her of his findings.

"Misa," Mogi said to her once they were in private, "I believe that Watari is the one with a Barney obsession."

~To Be Continued…~

Sorry that was so short. The next one will hopefully be longer.

But! I must know! What do you guys think…

Do you think that Watari is the one who is afraid of vegetables? Or do you think that L has a fear of vegetables, and Watari freaked out because knows of L's fear and is terrified of L's reaction to them? Hey, both situations are equally as possible.

Well, please, please, _please _review! :D And I'll try to get the next chapter out soon. Thanks for reading!

~Ratt K.

5/26/2011


	5. Porn Sweet Porn

I'm getting so much awesome feedback! O: Thank you so much, guys! ^ ^ You're awesome! :D

Hope you enjoy!

_**DAY 2**_

_**8:36 am**_

"And why do you think that Watari has a Barney obsession?" Misa asked Mogi.

"Because when I ripped off Barney's head, he threw down the cake tray and cried, 'Gah!'" Mogi replied.

"Hmmm…" Misa said thoughtfully. "Well, maybe he _does _have a Barney fetish, but if he does, he didn't write it down. So no, it's somebody else who is obsessed with Barney the Purple Dinosaur."

"Are you serious…?"

"I'm afraid so. And also, you've lost one point."

"Damn it!"

_**DAY 2**_

_**1:04 pm**_

Matsuda was in the mood for some porn.

He hated everything about this contest—well, he hated any contest devised by Light and/or L, really—and just wanted to take his mind off of it for a while. Preferably a long while. And he decided that the only way to do that would be to watch some porn.

Or read some porn.

Or write some porn.

Or maybe even _make _some porn.

As long as it had something to do with porn, he was fine with it.

Matsuda sat down at a computer and brought up the Google homepage. His hands hesitated over the keyboard as he thought of what to type in to the search bar.

Finally, he settled on "Yummy Erotic Videos and Stories."

Many results popped up on the screen. Matsuda scrolled down, reading the descriptions of the websites. He saw one that looked especially promising:

_www. LonginglyLustfulSweetDesires .com_

_-Provides free, intriguing pornographic footage of the sweetest variety that will have you knowing that justice has been served._

Matsuda eagerly clicked the link.

_**MEANWHILE…**_

Mogi frowned, trying to think of who Card 11 **{I used to steal porn magazines as a child just for the coupons that were inside. I didn't even know what porn was}** could belong to.

_Perhaps that one goes to L_, he reasoned. _L wouldn't have been exposed to porn when he was younger…or would he have? Ugh, with him, it sometimes feels like he is a total pervert who pretends to be clueless about perverted things. Wait, did I just call my boss a total pervert? Oh god, I did. I'm so glad he can't read my thoughts. Well, I hope he can't. Oh god, what if he can? Maybe that's why he can solve cases so easily! Maybe that's why he always stares at people! He's reading their mind! Omg! That's so creepy! Omg! I've gotta go try this out!_

Having successfully freaked himself out, Mogi decided to go and test out his newly-formed theory.

_**DAY TWO**_

_**1:12 am**_

Aizawa walked in to the main computer room in Kira Task Force HQ. Matsuda was already sitting at one of the computers.

_Interesting, _he thought, _I wonder if that idiot is making any progress in the Kira investigation._

He walked up behind him, only to discover…

"WHAT THE _HELL _ARE YOU LOOKING AT? !" Aizawa shouted.

The younger man jumped, startled out of his chair. "A-Aizawa!" Matsuda whimpered, "I-I didn't see you there!" Aizawa pushed him aside to get a closer look at what was on the screen.

"PORN! PORN! MORE PORN!" Aizawa yelled, a bit too loudly, enraged. "We are at WORK, Matsuda! This is not the time to be LOOKING UP PORN!"

Other members of the task force began wandering into the room upon hearing the word "porn."

(Aizawa was just a little more than disturbed about that)

Aizawa was about to confiscate the laptop from Matsuda completely, but something on the webpage caught his attention.

The man raised an eyebrow and looked at Matsuda. "Matsuda…" he started, "…why does this website show naked women eating strawberries and smearing cake all over themselves?"

Matsuda, beat-red, shrugged shakily. "I d-don't know. It was like that when I found it, I swear!"

Aizawa narrowed his eyes and grumbled, "Obviously. It's not like I suspected that you had hacked into the porn site." He turned to the other people in the room, who were trying to get a look at what was going on. "What are you guys looking at? ! Get out of here, and get back to work!"

The other officers, fearing Aizawa's wrath, did as they were told and shuffled out of the room. Matsuda tried to leave with them, but Aizawa stopped him.

"_Where do you think _you're _going, slacker?_"

Matsuda laughed nervously and walked back over to Aizawa. "Nowhere!"

As frustrated as Aizawa was that Matsuda had been looking up porn rather than doing his job, something didn't seem right.

He examined the words written on the website. Certain phrases seemed to stand out.

"…_**such would be the case if she happened to…"**_

"_**He knew that the correct course of action was likely…"**_

"_**Upon observing this next video, I immediately noticed that…"**_

Both Aizawa and Matsuda slowly turned to look at each other.

"Matsuda…are you noticing what I'm noticing…?"

The younger man nodded slowly. "This sounds…"

"…exactly like…"

"_Ryuzaki!_"

Meh, so it wasn't as long as I had hoped. Dx Sorry! It was fun to write, though! :D

Please review! For every review…um…Matsuda will do something funny and/or stupid next chapter! :D

Thanks for reading!

~Ratt Kazamata

6/02/2011


	6. Penalty: Matsuda you IDIOT

I was just up all night stalking L on Facebook. I'm completely serious.

I almost got hit by a car about 10 minutes ago. I was riding my bike (it's around 7 in the morning), and I was crossing the street, and all of a sudden this woman in a big black SUV ran a red light. I saw her and slammed on my breaks at the exact moment that she saw me and slammed on _her _breaks, but unfortunately bikes don't appreciate being forced to make a complete sudden stop. The back tire went off the ground, I went flying over the handlebars (in a weird way), almost slammed head-first into the car, but the woman stopped just in time. I—being the weird person I am—started laughing hysterically in the middle of the road while saying to the woman (who was beginning to get out of her car to make sure I was alright), "I'm fine! I'm fine! ^ ^; o-o :D" XD Weird day.

Anyway, hope you enjoy!

_**DAY 2**_

_**1:24 pm**_

Matsuda and Aizawa were still looking around on the porn website in shock. Aizawa figured that it would be a good idea to check out the erotic stories, as well, to see if they, too, sounded like Ryuzaki.

After reading a few of them, the truth was undeniable—L was the creator of this website. "That's it!" Masuda cried, suddenly very excited.

"What's it?" Aizawa asked.

"One of the cards I got said, 'I once created a porn site'! Now I know it's Ryuzaki's!" Matsuda was very pleased.

He rushed to Misa. "Ryuzaki made a porn site!"

Misa looked up at him. "Yep, he did!" She snickered. "Wait! Erm, I mean, do you have evidence?"

Matsuda raised an eyebrow before replying, "I found a porn site, and the words on it sounded exactly like Ryuzaki."

"Well, you're right. One point for you. Told you he was a pervert!"

Matsuda, feeling like he was on a role, decided to push his luck a bit and see how far it would take him.

_**DAY TWO**_

_**5:06 pm**_

Ryuzaki was just sitting at his computer, working on the Kira case. Suddenly, the most odd, unexpected thing happened.

Matsuda came out of the kitchen with giant carrots tied to his arms, a cabbage tied to his head, pieces of lettuce taped to his eyebrows, celery tied to both his legs, broccoli on his shoulders, spinach covering most of his face, and onions tied to the tops of his feet.

To top it off, he was carrying a bow, with an arrow holster that was filled with sharpened pieces of bamboo. The police officer approached L.

"I am the vegetable monster!" Matsuda declared loudly. Ryuzaki raised an eyebrow.

"Hear me roar?" L muttered under his breath questioningly, not quite understanding the point of what Matsuda was doing.

"Uh…don't you feel afraid…?" Now it was Matsuda's turn to be confused.

"No, why would I? I feel more inclined to laugh," L replied honestly.

"B-but…I'm the vegetable monster!" Matsuda's tone of voice suggested that he was starting to feel defeated.

"Have fun with that…?" L wasn't quite sure of the appropriate way to respond.

Matsuda stood there for a moment, trying to think of what to do. Suddenly, he seemed to have made a decision. He reached into his arrow holster and pulled out a piece of sharpened bamboo.

He placed it on the string of the bow, backed up from L, and shouted, "RAAAAAAWR! ! ! ! !" Pulling the bow string back, Matsuda launched the bamboo at the detective…

…and missed.

L blinked. _I wonder if there is any chance that _Matsuda _is Kira… _L thought to himself.

"D:" Matsuda wasn't happy, to say the least. Shooting with a bow was a lot harder than shooting a gun (which he was actually pretty good at). He was especially not pleased with the detective's lack of reaction.

Matsuda took out another piece of bamboo and shot it. He missed, again. He continued to repeat this action until L, annoyed (and very slightly concerned), shouted, "Matsuda, you idiot! Cease this nonsense at once!"

Matsuda dropped the bow and started doing jumping jacks. This whole thing was getting just a bit _too _weird for L's liking. He left the room to go find Watari.

"Watari," he said upon entering the old man's room, "I fear Matsuda is going insane over in the other room." He used his thumb to point behind him, over his shoulder. "You should perhaps run a psychological test on him and test him for psychosis."

"May I ask what he is doing…?" Watari wanted to know.

"He's doing jumping jacks with vegetables tied to his body," L replied. "Oh yeah; He also tried to kill me with bamboo."

"Erm, Ryuzaki. What do you suggest I do with Matsuda?" Watari clarified.

L bit his thumb thoughtfully before answering, "Perhaps you should take him to a mental hospital. Or throw him in a lion's den to see how long he lasts—for our own viewing pleasure, of course. I'm unsure, really. Do whatever you see fit. If you really don't know what to do, you could always feed him to a panda bear. Perhaps it would feed his new obsession with bamboo…?"

Watari pretended to think for a moment. It was obvious to him that Matsuda was trying to figure out _his _card—Card 14 {**I have lachanophobia, the fear of vegetables**}. However, it was also fairly obvious that, Matsuda being Matsuda, he had come to the completely incorrect conclusion.

Of course, Watari could completely understand why the man would believe that L was the one with the fear of veggies. After all, it wasn't like L ate anything but fruit and sweets, anyway. Though, if Matsuda were smarter, he should have been attempting to draw conclusions as to _why _L didn't eat anything but fruit and sweets.

Indeed, if Matsuda had any brains at all, he would know that vegetables were the food of Satan, or whatever you believe to be the greatest evil. After all, vegetables devour peoples' souls. It had been enough to keep Watari awake at night as a child—the terrifying thought of vegetables coming to life under the cover of darkness, creeping into his room, locking the door, wielding a scalpel, cutting open his head, consuming his brain (all the while saying "om nom nom" as they chewed).

"No," Watari said, "I believe that it would be best if the man got it all out of his system. He may finally be losing it. It would be best to leave him be."

L stared at Watari suspiciously, but eventually shrugged and said, "I suppose you would know best when it comes to matters like these."

_**DAY TWO**_

_**8:43 pm**_

Mogi decided that it was time to test out his theory. His theory…that L had magical mind-reading abilities.

He dressed himself up in a ballerina dress (for reasons that no one, not even the author of this insane story, could understand) and put on a ninja mask. The costume was completed with a pair of fairy wings tied to his back.

He dashed into the observation room, where L sat staring at the computer screen.

"Ryuzaki!" Mogi exclaimed, catching the man's attention.

"Mogi, what on earth—?" L started, eyes wide.

"Stare at me!" Mogi commanded. He then started doing a bunch of fail kung fu moves.

In his head, he thought as loudly as he could, _L! I know you can read my mind!_

"HA!" Mogi karate-chopped the air.

_L! I know that's how you've been able to solve cases!_

"HU!" Mogi spun around once.

_L! You'd better acknowledge it!_

"HEE!" Mogi attempted a kick-flip, but face-planted. Undeterred, he stood back up again as if that hadn't happened.

_L! Yo mama is so fat, they thought she was a hippopotamus!_

"HO!" Mogi punched the air.

_L! That's right! I just insulted yo mama! Whatcha gonna do about it? !_

L just stared at the man blankly, having absolutely no idea what he was trying to accomplish.

"Mogi…" he began slowly, as if he were talking to a wild animal, "what are you…doing…?"

_You know what I'm doing! _Mogi replied in his head, _I'm kicking yo ass! Don't deny it—You're getting PWNED!_

"Mogi, I asked you a question…"

_And I gave you an answer! Stop pretending you can't read my mind! I'm on to you!_

Without taking his eyes off of the man dressed as a ninja fairy in front of him, L called, "Watari? I think we have another problem. Please deal with it."

Watari walked into the room. "What on earth—?"

"My reaction exactly," L informed. "Now, please remove Mogi-san from the room and perform a psychological evaluation on him."

"Yes, sir."

Watari grabbed Mogi by the arms and began to drag him away.

He started to panic. "What? ! No! What are you doing? !" he cried. "I'm on to you, Ryuzaki! Don't even try to deny it! ! ! !"

L blinked. "I have no idea what you are talking about."

"Yes you do! ! ! ! ! I know you do! ! ! ! I know you're a mind reader! ! ! !"

"…"

Mogi continued to be dragged out of the room. Just before he was completely out of sight, L called to him, "Oh, Mogi-san—one more thing. You were never 'kicking my ass.' You never touched me."

Mogi's eyes widened as Watari pulled him away. L hid a smirk.

_**DAY THREE**_

_**3:39 am**_

Misa, Light, Mogi, Aizawa, Matsuda, Soichiro, and Watari were all sound asleep within the Kira Investigation Headquarters. All seven of them awoke to alarms going off.

They all fell out of their beds and rushed to the main room in a panic, only to find L holding down the alarm button with a bored expression on his face.

"What the hell, Ryuzaki? !" Light shouted angrily, annoyed at the disruption of his beauty sleep.

L looked around the room, making sure everyone was present. "Everyone," he said, "upon observation of security videos, I have found that there has been cheating going on in this contest."

"_What_? !" Matsuda exclaimed, outraged. "Who would have done that? !"

L stared at him, still appearing bored. "You, actually."

Matsuda's eyes widened. "Wh-what? ! I did no such thing!"

"Actually, you did. You informed Aizawa-san of the contents of one of the cards you were trying to figure out. And, according to the rules we established on Day 1, this means that everyone must now write yet another card. Get started, now."

"Matsuda, you _idiot_!" everyone grumbled, over and over, as they wrote.

Misa picked up the new cards, and numbered them as follows: : :

_Card 22: I like to think that inanimate objects have feelings too._

_Card 23: I used to train dogs to kidnap little kittens._

_Card 24: I have a Misa tattoo on my butt._

_Card 25: I used to want to be a marine biologist, but during my internship, I mistook a shark for a dolphin and almost got my arm bitten off when I attempted to pet it._

_Card 26: I once ate goat testicles._

_Card 27: When I was a child, I used to cry at night because I thought that I was an alien from outer space, and that my real parents would come in a spaceship and try to take me away with them._

_Card 28: I am Kira._

Say _what? ?_

Hee hee. I have an amusing plan.

What do you all think of the newest cards? :D

Which ones do you think go to whom? ? Tell me!

Lol, I liked this chapter. Please review! Every review that gets submitted equals one less kitten that gets kidnapped by those dogs! O:

Thanks for reading!

~Ratt Kazamata

6/08/2011


	7. Kira Whowhatwherewhenwhy? !

I'm so sorry for how long it took me to get this chapter out! D:

…Ooh, damn it. This isn't good…

I'm in Mexico right now, at my beach house, and I sat down to write this chapter, and realized that I had accidentally left at home the sheet of paper that tells me which of the new secrets go to who. ^ ^; So now I'm gonna have to go off of memory. So, if suddenly there's an author's message that says that I had to rewrite a few things in this chapter in the next chapter, don't be too surprised. 

Okay, this chapter sucks. –w- I wrote it while I was in a bad mood. It's hard to write comedy while in a bad mood… ^ ^; I'm sorry. 

Other than that, enjoy! :D

_**DAY 3**_

_**4:14 am**_

By 4:14 am, Misa grudgingly (with the help of Rem) had everyone paired up with their extra card. Once Light had explained his card to the Shinigami, she became amused and agreed to go with it.

The lineup went as follows:

"**L" Is Assigned To:**

_**Card 28**_

_Card 28: I am Kira._

"**Light" Is Assigned To:**

_**Card 24**_

_Card 24: I have a Misa tattoo on my butt._

"**Aizawa" Is Assigned To:**

_**Card 22**_

_Card 22: I like to think inanimate objects have feelings, too._

"**Mogi" Is Assigned To:**

_**Card 23**_

_Card 23: I used to train dogs to kidnap little kittens._

"**Soichiro" Is Assigned To:**

_**Card 25**_

_Card 25: I used to want to be a marine biologist, but during my internship, I mistook a shark for a dolphin and almost got my arm bitten off when I attempted to pet it._

"**Matsuda" Is Assigned To:**

_**Card 26**_

_Card 26: I once ate goat testicles._

"**Watari" Is Assigned To:**

_**Card 27**_

_Card 27: When I was a child, I used to cry at night because I thought that I was an alien from outer space, and that my real parents would come in a spaceship and try to take me away with them._

Everyone began to read their cards. All of a sudden, L began to flip out, falling out of his chair in the process. "OMGNOWAY AKJFSDLKJAFSDL _CONFESSION! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !_"

"What is it, Ryuzaki?" Light asked innocently.

"KIRA!" L cried. "YOU CONFESSED TO BEING KIRA!"

"No I didn't," Light replied. "You don't have any proof."

That was like a slap to the face to L.

_Of course_, he realized, _Contest or no contest, I still would need a way to prove it. And Amane typed up all the cards and burned the original ones, so that rules out handwriting analysis. This is some sort of taunt—perhaps to prove my incompetence? Damn you, Kira._

L left the room.

"Where's he going?" Matsuda asked.

"He's probably going off to sulk in a corner somewhere," Light replied. Everyone raised their eyebrows, but Light just smirked.

* * *

><p>Watari looked at his card, Card 27 <em>{ Card 27: When I was a child, I used to cry at night because I thought that I was an alien from outer space, and that my real parents would come in a spaceship and try to take me away with them.}<em>,in wonder. It sounded a lot like L, but he sure hoped it wasn't true.

He tried to think back to a time when both he and L were younger. Had there ever been any signs of him crying himself to sleep at night, thinking he was an alien from outer space? This thought disturbed the old man. He had always wanted his charge to be as happy as possible, and had gone to great lengths to make sure that he was. However, Ryuzaki was the best candidate for it.

_How am I going to figure this out…? _Watari wondered.

Finally he had an idea. He would subtly try to talk to the boy about it. Subtly, of course.

* * *

><p><em><strong>DAY 3<strong>_

_**6:03 am**_

Soichiro Yagami lay in bed, wondering who had been assigned to figure out his card, Card 27 _{ Card 27: When I was a child, I used to cry at night because I thought that I was an alien from outer space, and that my real parents would come in a spaceship and try to take me away with them.}_. He hoped that L would be the one to be assigned to it.

Not because he wanted L to know, of course. However, L was the greatest detective in the world. He would be able to figure this out about him swiftly, and without the mess that the other officers would almost surely bring. He wanted as few people to know about it as possible. He wasn't sure why he had written it, really—It was a secret he had kept all his life.

Not that he still believed he was an alien, of course.

…usually.

He thought about who Card 25 _{Card 25: Card 25: I used to want to be a marine biologist, but during my internship, I mistook a shark for a dolphin and almost got my arm bitten off when I attempted to pet it.} _could possibly belong to.

His mind searched for answers.

"OH MY GOD!" he suddenly screamed aloud, without even meaning to. He clamped his mouth shut once he realized the volume at which he spoke.

L's voice came through the room's intercom. "Yagami-san, is everything alright? Do you perhaps have someone of the female sex stowed away in your room?"

"What? Of course not, I'm marr—"

L continued droning on. "Or perhaps you have converted to some new religion and are discovering that religion's god?"

"o_O Huh? What do you me—"

"Or perhaps you have ants in your pants."

"Of course n—wait, what the hell?"

"Or, more likely still, you have discovered the turtle that is lying in bed with you."

"Ryuzaki, are you okay? You're being ridiculous. There's not a turtle in my b—"

L, crouching in his chair, smirked as the man on the other side of the intercom fell silent. L tapped the screen with the end of his pencil. "As you are now aware, Yagami-san, there is, indeed, a turtle in your bed, and it is occupying itself by munching your hair. I believe Kira-kun placed it there, as I saw him do so on the monitors. He is currently hiding in your closet."

"Go to hell, Ryuzaki!" came the teen's voice from the closet, causing L's smirk to grow even wider still. Light was obviously not pleased about the detective giving him away.

Soichiro Yagami yanked the turtle away from his head and tenderly touched the spot where it had been eating his hair. Horrified, he hopped out of bed and flung the closet door open. "Light! Why on earth did you plant a turtle in my bed? !" he demanded, not sounding pleased.

Unfortunately for Light, his father didn't seem afraid of the turtle at all.

"…I thought…but…you…you didn't buy me that one turtle in the pet store when I was seven years old…so…I figured…" Light mumbled, half to himself.

"…What are you _talking _about?" Soichiro was confused.

"Never mind…" Light slowly walked out of the room blankly, picking up the turtle on his way out.

"…That was quite possibly the weirdest thing I have ever experienced in my entire life."

"I understand what you mean completely, Yagami-san," L said, once again using the intercom. "I feel that way every day."

* * *

><p><em><strong>DAY 3<strong>_

_**6:10 am**_

When Soichiro burst into Misa's bedroom without knocking first, he hadn't been thinking.

He _really _hadn't been thinking.

However, as soon as he had done so, he immediately regretted it.

The opening of the door was followed by a loud shriek, and the sound of something dropping. However, even that wasn't enough to erase what Soichiro had seen.

Misa had been making out with Light's turtle.

Misa's eyes were wide as she stared at her boyfriend's father, hiding the turtle behind her back.

"I…I'll pretend I didn't see that if you…erm…pretend you didn't do that…" Soichiro promised slowly.

"M-Misa agrees." Her eyes were still wide. "Anyway…uh…what did you need?"

"Oh…um…I know who Card 25 _{Card 25: Card 25: I used to want to be a marine biologist, but during my internship, I mistook a shark for a dolphin and almost got my arm bitten off when I attempted to pet it.} _belongs to…"

"And who does it belong to?"

"It definitely belongs to Matsuda," the ex police chief said matter-of-factly.

"How do you know?"

"Well, he has a giant scar on his arm that looks suspiciously like the teeth of a shark. He used to always show it to people and tell them that he got in back when he was apparently the leader of a gang, but…well…he's Matsuda. Can you honestly see him as the leader of a gang?"

"...One more point for you."

Sorry that this chapter was so short. And so dang random. o_O It's just really weird. The next will hopefully be better. And I will also attempt to update faster next time… ^ ^;

I'm planning on setting up a beta profile pretty soon. If anyone is in need of a beta, you are welcome to send me a message and we'll see. ^ ^

Please review! Reviews bring joy and happiness to the world. :D

~Ratt Kazamata

6/19/2011


	8. Lights Out!

Lol, this chapter may be really random. I dunno. I lost a lot of brain cells after reading all the different versions of the infamous fanfic "My Immortal" all night. XD So I apologize if my mentality isn't quite normal. xP 

_**DAY 3**_

_**10:21 am**_

"Why was Misa making out with my turtle?" Light was asking L.

"Apparently she was pretending that the turtle was, in fact, Light-kun," L answered, having just finished showing Light the footage of his girlfriend doing this mere hours before. Light was obviously disturbed.

With a shiver, Light muttered, "What do you think I should do about this…?"

L cocked his head to the side. "I was hoping that Light-kun would be able to resolve the issue with his own idea. Though, if you wish for my opinion, I would advise Light-kun to avoid kissing her—or having any contact with her lips—for a while. After all, turtles do carry salmonella."

Light groaned. "_I_ don't kiss _her_, Ryuzaki. She kisses _me_. It's not as if I _want _her to do it."

"Is Light-kun admitting to being gay?"

"Wh-what? ! No! Stop twisting my words around!"

"Light-kun should know that I would not twist his words around if he did not say things that have such potential for bringing me amusement."

"Basically _everything _I say has a potential for bringing you amusement, Ryuzaki," Light pointed out, annoyed.

"Then perhaps Light-kun should refrain from speaking."

"…"

He just might.

* * *

><p><em><strong>DAY 3<strong>_

_**11:47 am**_

Mogi sat in front of the computer, wondering how on earth he would be able to find proof that Light Yagami used to crossdress. He was pretty sure that merely stating, "It's Light because he sits like a girl," wouldn't be sufficient evidence.

_Hmmm…maybe some other deciding factor?_

"OMG! His NAME!" Mogi exclaimed.

He wrote "Light Yagami" on a piece of paper, just to be certain.

Sure enough, his last name backwards spelled "IM A GAY."

"This is perfect! Now I just need to get him to somehow admit something that will support this theory!"

Mogi decided that he would, in fact, do just that.

He wandered in to the observation room, where he would be able to locate Light on the monitors. As he entered, he was greeted by the sight of Matsuda grinning at L devilishly, while L stared back at him, appearing to be gazing deeply into his eyes.

Mogi froze, not wanting to be caught up in an awkward situation should something…unprofessional…happen to occur.

_Oh god, _he thought, _what am I witnessing? !_

All of a sudden, Matsuda burst into hysterics. Mogi was confused.

"You lose, Matsuda," L informed emotionlessly, turning back to his work.

"Damn it!" Matsuda exclaimed in frustration once his brief fit of laughter subsided.

"Um…what?" Mogi mumbled, a questioning tone dominating his voice.

"Matsuda challenged me to a staring contest," L told him. "The rules were that you were not allowed to blink or laugh. Matsuda lost."

"…I…see."

"In any case, what is it that you need, Mogi-san?" L asked.

"Erm…I was just trying to find Light," he replied.

"Light-kun is most likely not currently available. He left headquarters less than an hour ago, and took his turtle with him."

"Oh, do you know when he—wait, his _turtle_?"

"Indeed. It's a rather long explanation," L muttered. "I'm assuming you are looking for him so that you can point out to him the backward spelling of his name."

"…How." It was more of a statement than a question.

"You were sitting in your room alone, and all of a sudden you shouted, 'OMG HIS NAME,' like an excited schoolgirl," L explained. "Then you proceeded to write down 'Light Yagami,' looked at it, and started giggling. It was quite obvious." L took a sip of his tea.

"…You exaggerate, Ryuzaki."

"I do not."

"That's fine, Mogi!" Matsuda exclaimed cheerfully. "I talk to myself all the time! :D"

Matsuda held out his hand, as if he were offering Mogi to join him.

But join him in what? A naïve world of idiocy and slow thinking? Of happiness and puppies? Of coffee-making and porn? Of diving off of skyscrapers and post-traumatic stress disorder? A world where Justin Bieber isn't thought of as a good singer? !

_Hell no! I'm not like Matsuda! _

Mogi looked at Matsuda's outstretched hand as if it were diseased before dashing out of the room.

_**DAY 3**_

_**10:23 pm**_

Watari smirked to himself. It was dark out, and finally, after three days of preparation, he was ready to figure out to whom Card 8 _{Card 8: I am afraid of the dark}_ belonged.

His plan was to monitor peoples' reactions to specific circumstances, which was very similar to what Mogi had tried with his Barney stunt, and what Matsuda had tried with his vegetable attack. Of course, Watari was not blind to the fact that both men's attempts had been unsuccessful. However, unlike Mogi and Matsuda, Watari's plan was much more sophisticated.

After all, he had full control over the building's fuse box.

The first step was to separate everyone onto different floors of the headquarters. People were much more likely to display fear when alone than when they with others.

Whipping out his slim black cell phone, Watari knew that it would be best to deal with the geniuses first.

L knew that Watari was planning something. He wasn't completely sure what it was, though he wasn't totally clueless. Watari had let L in on the fact that he was going to be trying something that evening, and that L needed to let everyone turn on their cell phones in order for his plan to work.

Although Watari didn't exactly like that even just one person knew anything about his scheme, he was also positive that L wasn't the one afraid of the dark. Such a phobia would be inconsistent with the detective's preference to work in a dark room as opposed to a light one.

He dialed the number of Light Yagami. When he saw on his monitor that the teen had answered, Watari said, "There is a rather urgent matter involving the fate of your shampoos."

"Huh? What are you talking about? What happened?" the boy asked, looking around nervously.

"They…erm…may have gotten mixed up with Ryuzaki's hair removal products," Watari lied, amused at the thought of L ever using a hair removal formula. He saw Light switch his now-confused gaze to the older detective sitting on the other side of the room, as if ascertaining that there was still hair on his head.

"Uh…Ryuzaki uses hair removal products?"

"Yes, for his eyebrows."

"I never noticed that in the months we were handcuffed together…" Light started suspiciously.

"I assure you, he did. In any case, please come to the 4th floor to get this issue resolved," Watari said.

"Alright…"

Watari watched as Light took the elevator to the designated floor. Once he was there, Watari remotely locked all of the exits so that Light would be unable to leave. "Hey, what—!"

Suddenly, the lights in the room in which Light occupied blinked out as Watari flicked off the power to the light fixtures. However, the other room that was clearly visible from where Light was standing was as bright as ever.

Raising an eyebrow, Light slowly made his way over to the other room. As soon as he entered it, they, too, shut off.

Catching on to what the man was doing, Light, with a bored tone in his voice, said loudly, "Whatever card it is that you are trying to prove, it doesn't belong to me." He sighed and sat down on a couch.

_Well, it certainly doesn't seem like Light. Let's try someone else, _Watari thought.

Now ignoring Light (though not releasing him, either), the old man then turned his attention back to the rest of the Kira Task Force. L was staring at his computer, Aizawa was reading a magazine, Mogi was glancing at Matsuda warily, Soichiro was on the phone with his wife, and Matsuda was playing with a yoyo, musing aloud about its greatness.

Watari dialed Soichiro Yagami's number. "Yes?" Soichiro answered, a bit disgruntled about having to hang up on his wife.

"I'm sorry to disturb you, but I just thought that you might want to know that your son has locked himself into a room on the 7th floor, and is currently sobbing into a pillow. I'm not sure if he's okay, or…" Watari trailed off, letting the father's concern set in.

And Soichiro certainly did seem concerned.

In a husky voice, already making his way over to the elevator, Soichiro clarified, "The seventh floor, you say?"

"That's correct. He's locked himself into one of the rooms. It should be the only room that is locked. You being his father, I thought that I should let you know."

"Thank you for telling me," Soichiro thanked sincerely.

Watari suppressed the urge to laugh at how gullible the police chief had been. "Not at all." He hung up. As soon as the man set foot on the floor, the exit doors were locked. Not that Soichiro noticed, of course. He was too busy trying to find a locked door to one of the rooms.

Watari, just to see what he would do, used the headquarters control panel to electronically lock the door that Soichiro was reaching for.

Seeing that the door was locked, Soichiro assumed that Light was inside the room, crying into a pillow for whatever reason.

"Light…" Soichiro whispered loudly through the door. "_Light…_are you in there?"

Obviously, not a single sound came from beyond the vacant room's door. However, Soichiro took it to mean that Light must be unwilling to talk.

"Light, what's wrong? Please let me in."

Watari decided that now was as good a time as any to mess with the lights.

He shut them all off, so that the seventh floor would be submersed in darkness. Soichiro didn't seem to take much note of this, other than saying, "Weird, I think we just lost power."

Despite it now being obvious that Soichiro Yagami was not bothered by the dark, an amusing idea passed through the old man's scheming mind that was too entertaining to pass up. Despite it slightly out of sight with the real objective, he decided to unlock the door of the room that Soichiro thought that Light was in.

As soon as Soichiro realized the door was unlocked, he fumbled blindly through the darkness, feeling around for his son (lol…that sounded rather perverted –w-). Of course, because Light wasn't there in the first place, such a task would be impossible. The police chief could be left searching for hours, or at least until he realizes that "Light" was being unnaturally silent.

…Watari was having _way_ too much fun with this.

Leaving the man bumping into things in the dark, Watari turned his attention to the remaining task force members on the monitor. There were really only two suspects left—Mogi and Matsuda. He had already ruled out Aizawa and L prior to even conducting the experiment.

Watari dialed Mogi's cell phone number on his phone.

"Hello?"

"Mogi," Watari informed, "you are needed on the 16th floor immediately. It is of the utmost importance."

On the monitors, Watari saw Mogi's eyes widen. Mogi glanced suspiciously around him before whispering into the phone, "Does it have anything to do with Darth Vader's return?"

_What the heck is he talking about?_

"…Pardon?"

"You know…does it have anything to do with…Darth Vader…you know…coming _back_?" Mogi seemed to be at a loss at how to explain it any better.

"Oh…um…no…?" Watari wasn't quite sure how he was meant to respond to a question like that.

"Ooh, I gotcha. It's confidential, right?" Mogi said with a knowing tone of voice, nodding.

Watari, wondering if his colleague was perhaps malfunctioning, decided to hang up the phone and try calling him again.

"Hello?" Mogi answered, picking up the phone for a second time.

"Mogi, let's restart this whole conversation. I need you on the sixteenth floor. Now. Don't ask me any questions," Watari ordered.

"Alright," agreed Mogi, who entered the elevator and started making his way up to floor 16.

Upon entering, Watari once again locked all the doors. "Where do you want me to go?" asked Mogi into the phone.

Curious about what the investigator's response would be, Watari replied, "The kitchen. The Force is causing the strawberry shortcake to float."

Mogi's eyes became wide like saucers. "Omg that's so…so…_epic!_"

He dashed to the kitchen. He was disappointed by what he saw—or rather, what he did not see.

"Where's the flying shortcake…?"

Suddenly, the lights in the kitchen went out. "Whoa, what's going on? !"

Watari kept all the other rooms lit.

_Bingo_, he thought.

Mogi frantically dashed out of the kitchen to the next available lit room, but as soon as he arrived at it, those lights were instantly shut off as well.

"What? ! No!"

He dashed into the next room, only to have the same unfortunate thing happen. He was running now, all around the sixteenth floor. Thanks to Watari, the lights went dark wherever he went.

He passed out from the stress.

What an odd day.

Oh wow, that ending was so rushed. I'm sorry. D:

Sorry the end was kinda weird. It all started with the Star Wars reference…that's when I started becoming loopy from not sleeping in almost 2 days XD Forgive me. 

Don't mind me right now. I'm so loopy. XD

Please review? Please? :D

Farewell!

~Ratt Kazamata

6/28/2011


	9. The Muffin Man And Other Awkward Moments

OH MY GOD GAH. I AM SO SORRY FOR THE THIRTEEN DAY WAIT. DX I really wanted to have this updated about 4 or 5 days earlier than today, but I was having major computer issues. 

I felt a bit that this story was moving too quickly for the set time frame (as in, people were figuring things out too quickly, especially since this story is far from over), so I more or less unknowingly added some extra elements to it. I hope you'll like them…You'll see what I'm talking about, after you read this chapter. After reading, you tell me if you feel the extra elements are good or if they distract too much from the main goals, and I'll see how it goes from there. xP

Also, a few people suggested that I create a Fanfiction blog for myself. Due to boredom, I ended up doing just that. It's not completely done yet, but you should check it out! Subscribe, or follow it, or whatever it is that people do with blogs! :D The link is on my profile, but the url is: www. ratt9ff. blogspot. com [without any spaces]. I plan on updating it regularly.

In any case, enjoy this chapter!

_**Alternative Chapter Name: **_

**The Muffin Man Is L's Prisoner Pt. 1**

_**DAY 4**_

_**11:50 am**_

L sat at his computer, terribly bored. In an attempt to ease his boredom, he was being a troll in random forums he happened to come across while surfing the web. He knew all the right ways to bother people.

Where on earth was the rest of the investigation team, though? The only ones who had even come out of their rooms yet were Matsuda, who was always early, Aizawa, and Soichiro. They were currently on a lunch break. Mogi, Light, and even Watari had yet to make an appearance that day.

Then, as if on cue, Raito entered the room.

"Hello, Light-kun," L greeted. "How is Light-kun today?"

Light was silent, not even acknowledging the detective. Instead, he just snapped his fingers, and none other than Aiber entered the room. L raised an eyebrow.

Light took out an iPod Touch and typed something on it. In turn, Aiber took out his own phone, appeared to read through something, looked at Light, and nodded.

Walking closer to L, he said, "Light wants for me to tell you that starting today, he will not be speaking to you until he decides that you treat his words with respect. Until then, I am being paid a rather large sum of money to speak on his behalf and be a good representation of who he is. I am to take what he wants me to say and put it in my own words."

"How do you plan on knowing what Light-kun would say?" L asked, not sounding like he actually cared about the answer. "Texting would be unwise, as I am able to access them and view everything that has been sent, just from my computer."

"Not this type of texting. We're using TigerText, the texting app designed for cheating spouses. Well, they claim it wasn't designed for that…but the similarities between their name and Tiger Woods is just too suspicious. Anyway, I'm getting off-topic. What exactly was I saying?"

"You were explaining what Light-kun is having you do."

"Oh yeah…you know, it sorta reminds me of one of those old Geico commercials, where they featured a regular person and had a hired actor to make the person sound more interesting than they actually are. Those were funny…" He trailed off, but then shook his head to regain his concentration. "Anyway, that's basically it. For an indefinite amount of time, I 'am' Light Yagami."

"You are Light Yagami, you say?" L clarified.

Aiber nodded.

"Then, Light Yagami, you are Kira."

The real Light rolled his eyes, but then widened them considerably when Aiber shrieked dramatically.

It was a Misa Shriek.

Hearing a Misa Shriek from a grown man was never a good sign.

_Never._

"What…?" Light mumbled under his breath, quiet enough for no one else to hear.

"You seem so shocked, Kira-kun," L mocked, staring at Aiber.

But Light didn't miss how the detective's eyes had, for a split second, glanced at him.

_Looking for my reaction…?_

"What? ! How could you even _say _that, Ryuzaki? !" Aiber cried in a whiny voice, sounding completely serious.

Laughter danced in L's eyes. "I say that because it's true, Light-kun."

"You're _wrong_! That is so totally _not _true!" The conman's voice was unnaturally high-pitched, causing him to have the voice that tended to be stereotypically associated with gay men.

Light was very distressed. What was Aiber _doing?_

"What is your proof?" L's lips almost appeared to be curved upward on one side in a small half-smile.

_No…he's smirking…_Light realized. _That bastard is totally smirking!_

Which could only mean one thing.

"My proof is that I'm telling you, I'm like, totally not Kira!"

_L must have predicted that I might ask Aiber for help. He must have contacted him and told him that if I tried to hire him for this acting job, that he is supposed to be as humiliating as possible! I wonder how much L must have offered him to do this. Twice as much as what I'm paying? Quadruple what I'm paying? Ugh, does it even matter? Obviously, it's substantial enough to work. Ugh…_

Light wished he could yell at the man for doing a teenage schoolgirl impersonation, but that would involve speaking where L would hear him. And using TigerText would defeat the purpose of letting his anger out by yelling.

_Damn you, Ryuzaki!_

L had practically watched Light's inner monologue. He may not be a mind reader (as he had led Mogi to believe), but he _was _excellent at translating a person's facial expressions into most probable thought processes.

"You aren't being very convincing, Light Yagami."

"That's cuz it should be _obvious_, _stupid!_" Aiber stuck out his tongue.

_Someone, someone, anyone, please just _save _me, _Light internally pleaded.

As if on cue, Soichiro Yagami casually strolled into the room. He stopped when he saw Aiber fluttering his hands unhappily.

"What's…going on…? And…why is…Aiber…erm…doing that?"

L turned to him, face visibly brightened. "Ohh, Mr. Yagami! What perfect timing! I'd like you to meet your new son, who is replacing your old one."

_**DAY 4**_

_**1:03 pm**_

Everyone in HQ sat in silence, each person doing their own thing. Suddenly, Soichiro stood up and said, "Ryuzaki, may I speak to you in another room, privately?"

L wasn't busy with anything for the time being, so he, too, rose to his feet and replied, "Of course."

Once in another room, Soichiro exhaled and said quietly, "Ryuzaki, I feel that you may be working Light too hard."

"What gives you that idea, Yagami-san?" L asked, uninterestedly chewing on his thumb.

"Well…last night…on the seventh floor of the building, he was crying in my arms for a long time. So long, in fact, that I fell asleep. When I woke up, the lights were back on, and he had left. But from this incident it seems clear to me that you overworking him so much has obviously put a major strain on his emotions, and I'm asking you to be more considerate."

_How interesting…_L thought, hundreds of possibilities already flooding his mind. He was disturbed by what he had just been told, but it had absolutely nothing to do with Light and his supposed emotional problem.

"I understand," L stated vacantly, his mind now being held in a much different place.

"And I must ask you to please, please don't mention this to Light. I don't want him to know that I told anyone about this."

"Of course."

"Of course what?" Soichiro pressed.

"Of course this conversation will not be mentioned to Light-kun in any way that would jeopardize the obvious confidentiality of what occurred," L assured, retaining a far-away tone in his voice.

"Thank you," the older man breathed.

_**DAY 4**_

_**1:07 pm**_

L walked back into the observation room with Soichiro. Almost immediately upon entering the room, L said loudly, "Light-kun."

Aiber turned and batted his eyelashes. The real Light also turned around.

"Yes, Ryuzaki? What is it?" Aiber asked.

"Your father tells me that last night, on the seventh floor, you apparently sobbed into his arms for half the night, and left after he fell asleep."

Soichiro gasped and looked appalled at what the younger man was saying aloud after so clearly promising to him that he would keep his confrontation a secret.

"Ryuzaki!" Soichiro protested.

L, ignoring Soichiro, awaited Aiber's reaction. He already knew what was wrong with the whole thing.

After receiving his message from Light, Aiber asked, "Are you sure?"

"That's what he told me."

The real Light was actually the one to speak this time. "But…Ryuzaki…I wasn't _on _the seventh floor last night."

* * *

><p>"Wait…what do you mean, that wasn't you?" Soichiro was nearly shocked into silence. He was ashamed that he couldn't even tell his own son apart from someone else.<p>

Light had reverted back to using Aiber to speak for him. "Well, darlin', I simply wasn't on the seventh floor at all last night. I was too preoccupied being locked on to the _fourth _floor. And there is nothing to cry about; don't worry about me." He smiled sweetly.

"Please…don't ever call me 'darling' again," Soichiro almost whispered. "Anyway…if it wasn't Light…then who was it?"

"I have been trying to work that out," L informed. "However, I have not yet been able to come up with any easy conclusions. During the time that this was apparently going on, Matsuda and Aizawa were with me, Light-kun was sitting on the couch on the fourth floor, Mogi was or was about to pass out, Watari was busy causing Mogi to pass out, Misa was in her room suspiciously drawing apples on her wall and on paper with crayons, and Light's turtle was safely locked away. Aiber hadn't even arrived yet."

"I wasn't drawing _apples_, Ryuzaki!" declared Misa, ignoring everything else he had said. "I was drawing what Light's face would look like if he ever left this building long enough to get a sunburn!"

"Well," L muttered under his breath, "if Light-kun's head suddenly turned into a Red Delicious/Fuji apple every time he received a sunburn, it might be in Light-kun's best interest to remain indoors until he looks human once more. He wouldn't want to have his head eaten by a Shinigami. After all, Shinigami like apples."

Misa pouted. "Misa Misa will go to her room to get her drawings of my Light-kun and show that Light does _not _look like an apple!" Much to everyone's immense relief, the blonde model stormed out of the room.

Meanwhile, everyone else in the task force appeared to be frozen in fear.

"Wh-what if it was Kira? !" Mogi stammered.

Aizawa shot him a sarcastic response. "Yes, Mogi. Because Kira would totally hide in L's basement and cry in the arms of one of the people who are trying to catch him. Don't sound so much like Matsuda!"

Matsuda began to cry in his emo corner.

Aizawa went on. "Ryuzaki, can't we just watch the security video feed?"

L bit his thumbnail. "No," he replied, "and the reason for this is that Watari by mistake cut off all of the power to the seventh floor, rather than just the lights. Doing so also shut off the security cameras on that floor."

Suddenly, having come back from the emo corner, Matsuda became animated.

Maybe a little bit _too _animated.

"OHMYGOD IT COULD HAVE BEEN A SCREAMING GHOST LADY THAT IS GOING TO EAT OUR SOULS THAT LOOKS LIKE MY CREEPY NEIGHBOR WHO IS ALWAYS OFFERING ME CARROTS AND WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE AND BE SOULLESS AND OHMYGOD! ! ! ! ! ! !"

"Matsuda, you are being an idiot."

This, however, failed to stop him. "EVERY MAN AND SHE-MAN FOR THEMSELVES!" he shrieked, being sure to include Aiber in his tirade.

"Matsuda. Ghosts aren't tangible. Therefore, it is 92% safe to assume that no such 'ghost' has graced the halls of this headquarters," L articulated.

"What if it was _Count Dracula? !_" Matsuda continued.

L sighed. "Because Transylvania is _totally _located in the Kanto region of Japan. In any case, according to the original Dracula book, vampires have difficulties crossing moving bodies of water."

"He could have rented a plane!"

"Matsuda, think logically about this," L scolded, his patience wearing thin. "Upon applying critical thinking, who would you say the _most likely _person is?"

Matsuda thought for several moments, apparently taking the great detectives suggestion to heart.

A metaphorical light bulb appeared over Matsuda's head.

"Based on my logic and critical thinking," Matsuda began, sounding a bit calmer, "the culprit is most likely to be The Muffin Man."

Everybody started at Matsuda, not quite sure of what the appropriate response to that hypothesis might be.

"The…Muffin Man." The statement was an implicated question.

Matsuda took the liberty of justifying his answer. "It…it makes sense, guys! Come on…just think about it. L has a constant supply of cakes. The amount is seemingly endless! Watari can't _possibly _have the time to make _all _of them!

"And wanna know what _else _Ryuzaki has a seemingly endless amount of? Wealth! And I'm sure he has connections to gain access to some sort of hidden slave markets, and then used his wealth to purchase…THE MUFFIN MAN! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! And the Muffin Man was most likely crying because L works him too hard and he can't escape! ! ! ! ! !"

"_Now _we may be getting somewhere," Aizawa muttered, scratching his chin.

L glanced suspiciously at Matsuda, deciding to never tell him to use critical thinking ever again.

"The…Muffin Man is not in Japan," L deadpanned carefully. He shifted his eyes about the room.

Everyone stared at him.

Spontaneously, L exclaimed, "YOU HAVE NO PROOF! ! ! ! ! !" He let out an insane giggle before returning to normal. He cleared his throat. "Erm…ignore that. Watari, turn on every camera in the building and begin monitoring the feed. We must find whoever else is in this building with us. There is an exceedingly high probability that our security has been breached."

"Understood."

"What is the other option, besides a breach in security?" Soichiro wanted to know.

L looked at him. "Well, someone has either broken in to the building, or you are beginning to lose your sanity. I'm not quite sure which possibility is more unfavourable."

Within moments, the large screen was covered in video feed from every room of HQ. Everyone looked through them, trying to find something out of place.

The only thing moving in HQ outside of the observation room was Misa Amane, who was on her way back down the hallway. At first glance, everything appeared to be normal.

However, Matsuda's room, everyone discovered, was blinding.

"…Matsuda…what did you _do _to your _room?_" Aizawa demanded, eyes wide.

Aiber hopped up and down excitedly. "OMG, it's like, so sparkly! :D"

Indeed, Matsuda had decorated his room with a style that had been outdated since the Disco Era. In fact, it appeared to be a mixture of many _different_ eras. With lava lamps and portable disco balls, neon signs and phonographs, and plasma-screen TVs and radios, Matsuda had successfully de-modernized his room and turned it into an epic fail.

"What _happened_?" Soichiro breathed.

Matsuda had actually quite liked his style, and felt the need to stand up in its defense.

"It…it was dull in my room! So I decided to make it pretty!"

"Do you know how much _electricity _all that is probably using? !" Aizawa shouted.

As if on cue, all of the lights shut off. As if in a game of follow-the-leader, the computer monitors, security cameras, and everything else electronic were next to die.

"What just happened? !" cried Matsuda.

"It appears that the fuse was blown," Watari answered calmly.

"Watari, please go and switch on the emergency power," L ordered.

"I apologize, but I'm afraid I cannot fulfill your request."

"For what reason?"

"When the power went out, the emergency electronic door locks were activated. Simply put, we're locked in the room."

Aizawa slammed his head against the wall and Matsuda, wanting to mimic his colleague's display of aggression, slammed his coffee cup against the ground. Unfortunately for him, hot coffee splattered all over him, causing him to start hopping around the room in pain.

Everyone ignored him.

"Isn't there like, _some _chance of getting out of here? !" Aiber cried.

The task force stared at L expectantly. L scratched his head and said, "I believe that Misa Amane is able to access it from where she is."

"…We're doomed."

Meh, sorry if that chapter failed. I hope to have Pt. 2 written much sooner than this chapter. I hope you enjoyed!

Please review. Reviews are happifying :D 

I don't think that's a word…

But oh well! xP

Thanks for reading!

~Ratt Kazamata

7-11-2011


	10. The Muffin Man and Other AwkwardPt 2

This chapter might not be very good. Reading it over now, I'm not really sure what happened. o-0

I'm done talking now, lol. Enjoy!

**The Muffin Man and Other Awkward Moments Pt. 2**

_**DAY 4**_

_**1:29 pm**_

"Doomed?" L repeated skeptically. "I wouldn't exactly say that relying on Amane-san automatically makes us 'doomed.' Personally, I'd use the words, 'potentially stuck here for a long time,' but certainly not 'doomed.'"

Matsuda deflated. "Did this all happen because of my groove?"

"Your…groove?" Light couldn't help but briefly break his oath of silence to ask, not trusting Aiber to do it.

"You know…my groovy sense of style."

"You poor, misguided man…" Mogi breathed, then looked around. "Oh, did I say that out loud? Sorry about that."

Matsuda found a brown paper bag and put it over his head, dejected. For reasons beyond this author's comprehension, Aiber proceeded to take a pen to Matsuda's paper-bag mask and draw a smiley face on it. When he was finished, Aiber smiled widely, clapped his hands together, and cheered. "Yaaaaay~! Happy~ Happy~ :D"

"No…I'm not 'happy~ happy~'…" Matsuda moaned miserably. "I'm quite the opposite, actually…"

"Oh, don't worry, Matsuda," Mogi said, trying to cheer the man up. "At least you aren't as hopeless as Misa."

"…That's such a reassuring statement, Mogi," Soichiro deadpanned. "Especially considering that Misa is currently the only one who is able to get us _out _of this mess."

"Oh yeah, sorry."

Soichiro sighed.

"Light-kun, please dial Misa's cell phone number," L instructed.

"Whatevah you say, Ryuzaki~!" Aiber chirped, giving the detective a wink. L pretended not to notice.

The real Light took out his cell phone and did as he was told, not eager to be stuck in the room for any longer than he had to be. A large part of the reason was that the heater didn't work without electricity, and it was 17 degrees outside.

The phone rang 4 times before going to voicemail.

"Well, that's just great," Aiber muttered.

_Damn you, Matsuda, _L thought to himself. _You just _had _to go all "disco era" on us, didn't you? Idiot…_

"Light-kun," L said in an authoritative voice, "Please continue to phone until she picks up. Matsuda, try to locate any extra cakes in the room. There may be a hidden stash underneath the floorboards…

"Aizawa, I must ask…do you by any chance hide sugar cubes in your afro?"

"Why the hell would I hide sugar cubes in my afro? !"

"I'm sorry..." L murmured. "My thinking is not currently at 100%. I don't think very well without sugar."

_Evidently._

"Ryuzaki!" Aiber whispered loudly, giving the detective a thumbs-up and pointing at the cell phone that Light was holding in his hand. "We got through."

Everyone gathered around the cell phone. Light put the phone on speakerphone and handed it off to Aiber.

"Light?" Misa's excited voice emanated from the phone's speaker quite loudly.

"This is Light speaking," Aiber said smoothly, attempting to impersonate Light's voice. However, the 35-year-old conman was not ever meant to be a voice actor. He was unable to match his voice to sound like Light. Especially not to a woman who stalked the teen so profusely.

"Whaaaat?" Misa exclaimed. "You aren't Light! You sound like some old creepy stalker pervert!"

"But Misa, it _is _Light," Aiber protested.

"No! Get away from my Light!" Suddenly her voice changed into a more concerned tone. "Light? Light? If you can hear me, know that I am coming to save you! I'll be your hero! If you're Batman, I'll be your Robin! If you're Superman, I'll be your Jimmy Olsen! If you're Atrocitus, I'll be your Dex-Starr! If you're Spiderman, I'll be your Green Goblin! …But only the Green Goblin from the 3rd movie, of course, because the one from the 1st movie was a bad guy…"

"If Light-kun was actually in need of assistance, there is a 36% chance that he would be dead by now," L reasoned quietly.

"No kidding," Matsuda agreed.

Misa was still going on her tirade. "…If you're Kira, I'll be your Second Kira! If you're…"

"Incriminating,Light-kun," L said to the teen. Light's only response was to glare at the detective.

"And Light, don't worry! You don't look like an apple!" Misa concluded. And with that, she hung up.

"Oh joy," Light said sarcastically. "I'm so glad."

Everyone just stared at him accusingly.

Light, oblivious to the reason for their sudden hostility, asked innocently, "What? Why is everyone staring at me?"

"You're talking right now," Aizawa growled. "Why the _fuck _couldn't you have spoken while our _only hope of getting out of here _was on the other line? !"

"Oops?" came the teen's timid reply.

"_Oops_?" snarled Aizawa in disgust. "_That's all you have to say? !"_

"Erm…yeah..?"

This thoughtless response almost resulted in him getting thrown out a window.

_**DAY 4**_

_**2:01 pm**_

Misa had yet to make her glorified appearance.

L thought of what could have possibly happened for her to be taking so long. Perhaps Matusda was the creator of The Void and summoned it right there in the Kira Task Force headquarters, swallowing up the young model on her way to the observation room.

…L _really _needed sugar.

His thinking was becoming borderline ridiculous. Sugar deprivation always did that to him. The cold certainly wasn't helping, either.

Either way, the genius's normally clear thoughts were becoming all jumbled.

Light was sitting with his back against the wall, cuddling with Aiber.

_Wait…why is Light-kun cuddling with Aiber? _L wondered, backing up his thoughts just a bit. A slight shiver ran through his body, almost as if to remind him.

_Oh, that's right. It's 17 degrees in here. Hmm…it might actually be wise to do the same. Sharing body heat is a good way to keep warm. I wonder if Mogi wants to snuggle…_

"Ryuzaki, erm…I'd like to speak with you," Watari said quietly, unknowingly saving Mogi from an intensely awkward situation.

"Yes, what is it?"

Watari continued to speak quietly as he said, "Ryuzaki, I understand why your childhood might have been a bit rough…"

"Why are you talking so quietly, Watari?" L asked loudly, on the verge of sounding intentionally obnoxious.

"Because it's…erm…probably not something you would want everyone in the room to hear…?" The old inventor was confused by L's uncharacteristic behavior.

"Ohh, that's right. Go on," L told him. "Of course, '_quietly_.'"

It should go without saying that by now, everyone was staring at them intently, curious about what Watari had to say and wondering about their boss's mental state. L glanced around the room, meeting all of their gazes.

"What are you staring at?" L said, sounding somewhat irritated. "He _just _said that this is something I probably don't want you to hear. So _why_ _on earth _are you all _listening?_"

_...Is L high?_

Watari was not the only one to regard L with an odd expression that day.

Despite the detective's atypical behavior, Watari decided to continue talking, wanting to get the discussion for Card 27 _{Card 27: When I was a child, I used to cry at night because I thought that I was an alien from outer space, and that my real parents would come in a spaceship and try to take me away with them} _over with as soon as possible.

This time, everyone in the room eavesdropped without looking at them, pretending to be busying themselves with finding ways to keep warm (which, in fact, they really _were _doing).

"Well…um…" Watari began again, now feeling quite a bit more awkward than he had previously. He swore he could practically feel everyone's attentiveness. "Erm…"

He contemplated waiting to save this conversation for another time, but L's impatient grumbling of, "Do you have something to say, or don't you?" forced him to reconsider.

"Hmm…er…you are rather different than other people," Watari tried.

"Am I?" L cut in, as if needing confirmation.

"…Yes, you are. You also have a creative mind. Now—"

L interrupted again. "Thank you, Watari. I feel that you have a creative mind, too."

_I don't understand why L sounds so high!_

"Ahh…thank you?" Watari hesitated, if only for a moment. "As I was saying, it would make sense for you to believe in certain…improbable things."

By this time everyone in the room had their eyebrows raised, with the exclusion of Light, who had fallen asleep with his head resting on Aiber's shoulder. The conman seemed to be dozing off as well.

Matsuda desperately wished he had his camera. This would make for absolutely wonderful blackmail.

"Improbable things?" L repeated. "Such as?"

"Things that might upset you, for example."

"Oh, I think I know exactly what you are talking about."

"You do?" Watari asked.

"I believe so," L replied, nodding. "Such things often bothered me when I was younger."

Watari couldn't believe it had been this easy to get his evidence.

"Well…you don't still believe in it, do you?"

"Oh, surely not. I can get them myself now, if needed," L said confidently.

_Wait, what? Get them? Get aliens? How…?_

"I actually haven't worried about it since I began accumulating my own cash. I mean, if the Cake Fairy gets shot down out of the sky by international security for illegally flying in their airspace, I still have the resources to obtain cakes on my own."

Wow, that chapter was so crappy. Sorry. ^ ^;

There were initially only supposed to be 2 parts to this. It looks like it'll have to be 3. Sorry. =/

Please tell me what you think! Review! Please!

Also, here's something I've been pondering this week: How many people, who own those Death Note notebooks you can buy online (those ones that look like the real one), do you think, have written Justin Beiber's name down in it? Anyone?

Also—when uploading a story to the document manager, am I the only one who gives the files really weird names like "next thingy you know of that one thing blah blah hahahaha", or "lalla stupid crappy chapter meep ugh strange lol what?" o-0

~Ratt Kazamata

7-18-2011


	11. The Muffin Man and Other AwkwardPt3

Well, this update came sooner than I thought it would. o-o

I just got done with a contest I had with a few friends where we see who could read the most novels (at least 150 pages or longer) in 24 hours. I almost made it to book 6…but failed. v-v It was a quite…interesting contest, to say the least. xD I don't know what it is about me and contests lol. I don't even really have a very competitive personality. xP

I feel like that contest messed with my mind, and I haven't slept in over 24 hours, and my thoughts are all jumbled and nonsensical, so what better time than now to work on a humor fic? :D

Thus, I have a warning: This chapter is very, very weird. It's up to you whether it's a good weird or a bad weird. The only thing that I _am_ sure of is that I'm not completely sane as I wrote this, and that it's weird. As I believe I've already said. I think I lost my mind while writing this, actually. I might still be looking for pieces of it. My mind, I mean. .o.

I wrote this all in one go, pretty much. I'll be kind and stop my rambling lol. In any case, I hope you enjoy! :D

**CHAPTER NAME: The Muffin Man and Other Awkward Moments Pt. 3**

_**DAY 4**_

_**Approx. 10:30 pm**_

To Matsuda, watching L attempt to function without sugar was as amusing as—and probably similar to—watching Bugs Bunny on crack. Not that he had ever _seen _Bugs Bunny on crack, of course, but if he had to create a mental image of what such a thing might look like, it would probably look a lot like this.

L stared at his reflection in the glass of the window, much like a runway model might gaze at themselves in a mirror before going on stage—obsessively reassuring their paranoid minds that every aspect of their appearance was perfect. L tugged on his earlobes, staring at them intently. He furrowed his eyebrows and called, "Heyyy, Yagami-san. Come here for a second."

Cautiously, Soichiro stood up from his spot on the floor in the center of the room, where Mogi knelt, attempting to start a campfire out of unused printer paper. Many of the others were also huddled in that vicinity, placing all of their hope in Mogi and his (rather lacking) fire-starting skills. Light and Aiber were still asleep in each other's arms, leaning against the wall. Battery-run lanterns (of which Watari had been able to produce out of seemingly nowhere) were the only thing keeping the room from plunging into darkness.

Soichiro approached L slowly, as if he were a dangerous wild animal. They had all witnessed their boss doing very strange things over the past few hours—including things that many of them wished to forget—and none of the members of the task force had any great desire to be the guinea pig to test out L's reaction to a social situation.

None of them.

Soichiro stopped a comfortable six feet from the detective. "What is it, Ryuzaki?"

L turned to him with a dissatisfied expression. "Come closer."

Pushing down the panic that was quickly rising in his chest, Soichiro forced himself to make a polite smile and took another small step forward. L cocked his head sideways and frowned.

"Yagami-san, you are treating me as if I am rabid. I assure you that I do not have rabies. I was vaccinated a few months ago, after your son bit me. Do you not remember?"

"No, I remember quite…erm…quite…" Soichiro searched for the right word to describe that horribly unpleasant experience, but ended up deciding to just settle on, "...vividly. I remember it quite vividly."

L nodded. "In that case, you shouldn't have any qualms about coming closer." The detective grabbed Soichiro by the arm and pulled him over to the window. The older man resisted very little.

"…" Soichiro waited for L to say something.

"…"

"What do you need, Ryuzaki?" asked Soichiro finally, after it became evident that L was spacing out. He had been doing a lot of that in the past few hours.

"Oh. Yes. I was just wondering…" he pulled at his earlobes once more, "do you think I should get my ears pierced, Yagami-san? Personally, I think it would make me look quite pretty."

"…Is that the look you're aiming for, Ryuzaki?" Soichiro asked, examining the man up and down skeptically. "Pretty?"

"Hmm…" L bit his thumb and averted his gaze to the ceiling, considering this. "You know, I'm not really sure. Do _you _think I should go for the 'pretty' look?"

Soichiro swore that that panda's eyes had the ability to stare into a person's very soul, and tonight they were especially frightening. They had a rather delusional, animalistic tint to them.

_Someone really needs to get this man some sugar, _Soichiro thought. _He's looking at me almost like he thinks that I'm a cupcake or something. _Soichiro shivered, and not just from the cold.

Matsuda could no longer contain himself. He _needed _a camera. It didn't matter to him if it was a camera of the recording variety, an antique camera that only took photos in black and white, or even just a crappy camera from a phone. It didn't really matter—he just needed to record this moment so that he could look back at it for years to come.

Assuming Kira let him live that long, of course.

_Wait…Kira! That's it!_

Matsuda's enthusiasm shone brightly on his face despite his attempts to appear indifferent. He quietly scampered over to the unintentional yaoi-fest that was Light and Aiber.

_Light has an iTouch! Those things can record stuff!_

Mogi had not yet given up on taking a stab at making a fire. Under his breath, Matsuda could hear him singing the song "Start a Fire", as if the words would somehow inspire sparks to leap forth and provide them with the heat that they so desperately needed.

Mogi was not a good singer.

A few of the others regarded Matsuda with general disinterest. The below-freezing temperatures were making everyone care about things in a comparably lesser amount than they normally would.

…Which is probably why no one said anything when they witnessed Matsuda reaching his hand carefully into the sleeping prodigy's pant pocket to more or less steal Light's appliance. The boy's father would have most likely stopped Matsuda from doing this, but Soichrio was, at the time, preoccupied with telling Ryuzaki about how beautiful he looks.

Anxious fingers made contact with the cold, metal-like plastic of the iTouch.

_Haha, gotcha._

Gripping the sides of the object in between his index finger and his thumb as if imitating L's mannerisms, Matsuda gradually retracted his hand.

Light stirred.

"Ryuzaki?" Light guessed groggily, his voice thick with sleep. His eyes remained closed, squeezed shut slightly as if protesting the notion of waking up. Evidently, he was still a bit more than half-asleep. Matsuda froze, his entire body tensing. "Stop feeling me up and just go to sleep already." Light mumbled something else that Matsuda couldn't quite make out, as the teen had repositioned himself in such a way that his head nestled further into Aiber's chest. It was only a few more moments before the genius began snoring softly once more.

Matsuda exhaled and—more cautiously—resumed what he had been doing. After what seemed like ages—though was, in reality, just a couple of minutes—Matsuda had managed to capture Light's iTouch. It would be his prisoner for an indefinite length of time, he realized with a smirk.

_Mission success! I am going to have _so _much fun with this!_

_**DAY 4**_

_**Approx. 11:00 pm**_

With a slight shiver, Matsuda walked over to L and cheerfully said, "Hey, Ryuzaki!"

L whirled around from his position at the window. He had been attempting to get all of the mats out of his hair by ripping them apart with his fingers, which ended up making it look even messier than it had been previously. "Oh, hi Ma—"

"Say cheese~!" Matsuda exclaimed, not even giving the man a chance for a moment's reaction time. The camera on the iTouch flashed, capturing the image immediately.

"But I don't want cheese," L protested, "I want cake. Unless it's cheesecake. Cheesecake is good."

"Oh, I see," Matsuda said. He walked away from the detective and switched on the iTouch to the _Record _setting, doing his best to capture in full-scale the insanity going on all around him. To an onlooker, it would probably look like half of the men in the room were gay.

Matsuda's eyes widened as realization struck him like a freight train. _Lots of girls love yaoi! I could make this video look like a yaoi video and sell it to yaoi-lovers and get rich quick!_

The plan would be worthy of being classified as genius among the lesser intelligent members of society, such as he who had come up with it. He was very proud of himself.

Approaching Ryuzaki once again (confidence levels raised considerably), Matsuda—having latched the iTouch onto his belt like a hidden camera—asked him, "Ryuzaki, what is your sexual orientation?"

"Why does Matsuda-san wish to know?" L asked curiously, turning around. His thumb hung out of his mouth as he stared at the police officer thoughtfully.

"Because if you are gay, I'll make a deal with you!" Matsuda improvised.

"A deal? Do elaborate."

"I'll pierce your ears for you! I heard you talking about it with the chief earlier."

L's face turned ever so slightly pink. "Y-you also think that earrings would make me look pretty?"

Matsuda nodded eagerly, astounded at the progress he was making with the normally apathetic detective. "Not only that, but I'll even brush your hair for you." He threw L the brightest smile he could possibly manage (which, coming from Matsuda, was considerably vibrant).

L returned attempted to return the gesture with a rather silly-looking smile. It was not nearly as bright as Matsuda's, but it wasn't as if L had control over all of the world's police agencies due to his dazzling smile.

"I will not disclose my sexual affiliation with you, Matsuda, but I _would _like to potentially consider the deal that you have yet to propose," L informed, still wearing a lopsided grin. "That is, if you are still willing to offer it without knowledge of the aforementioned personal info, of course."

"I don't mind not knowing," Matsuda confirmed. "Would you be interested in doing exactly as I say for a little while?"

"Nope," L answered without hesitation. "However, I shall do it so long as you keep your end of the bargain and pierce my ears and make me look all prettyful. Oh, and delete everything you just recorded of me on Light-kun's iTouch, which is attached to your belt. We certainly wouldn't want videos of me going out to the public."

"O-oh, of course!" Matsuda gave a nervous laugh at being discovered. He thanked his lucky meatballs (Matsuda found stars to be unlucky, so he preferred to go with an alternative) that the great detective was not exactly in his right mind at the moment. He quickly fumbled with the device to delete the recording. He did not mind all that much—there would be more to come soon.

"What is it that you want me to do?"

* * *

><p><em><strong>DAY 4<strong>_

_**MEANWHILE…**_

When Misa Amane slowly blinked open her eyes to face the darkness, she was instantly confused.

What had happened to the lights? Why was the room so bitterly cold that it bit her exposed skin like vengeful water nymphs? She _was _still inside, wasn't she?

When Misa rose to her feet, a powerful wave of nausea strongly suggested to her that she reconsider her actions.

Reassuming her earlier stance on the ground, Misa tenderly pressed her fingers against a newly-discovered, throbbing bump on the back of her head. She winced in pain when her hand brushed over it.

Where on earth did _that _come from?

Misa didn't know.

Where was she? What had she been doing? How had she ended up on the floor? Without even thinking, she shook her head as she tried to lift the thick smog that currently was residing within her brain, denying her thoughts any easy access to the smooth road of clear thinking. She instantly regretted it as the ache in her skull intensified tenfold.

What was going on? Maybe Rem knew. But where was Rem?

The last thing she could remember was that she had eaten a pickle for lunch that day. She tried to remember the events that had followed, but that was as far as her memory stretched.

_Why can't I remember…?_

Misa felt like there was something important she was supposed to be doing, but she couldn't quite remember what it was. The thought of superheroes vaguely crossed her mind, but she failed to make any connections with it and the present situation.

Frowning, she decided to first let the nausea pass before trying to do anything else. She sighed.

_I wonder what my Light is doing…_

_**DAY 4**_

_**Approx. 11:40 pm**_

Light and Aiber were blissfully unaware of the things that were being done to them while they slept.

Ryuzaki was actually rather enjoying this little task of Matsuda's. It was quite…interesting. His task was simple, really. Matsuda had informed him that his voice sounded like silk, and that that was just the thing that girls would love to listen to narrating a boy-on-boy video.

L's sugar-deprived mind registered this as a compliment, and he had quite recently decided that he quite liked compliments.

He did his best to keep his hand steady as he held the iTouch between his two fingers, recording Light and Aiber sleeping against each other as if lovers.

L read off the improvised script that Matsuda had handwritten for him. "…And so, after hot, unadulterated sex, the two lovers fell asleep, holding each other and shivering in delight."

L had to admit, Matsuda sure was making him say some pretty weird things.

But no matter. Now that he was finished narrating his employee's strange video, Matsuda had to hold up his end of the deal and pierce L's ears.

Now that all was said and done, Matsuda wasn't quite sure how he was going to be able to pierce L's ears in the first place. He looked around for Watari, who had, disturbingly, seemed to vanish into thin air.

Well, perhaps that was too drastic an accusation. Regardless of how you put it, the fact remained that the old man was no longer in plain sight. Matsuda wasn't exactly sure what to make of that fact, but at the moment he had bigger things to deal with.

Things that he might, in the near future, seriously regret doing.

But, at the moment, he couldn't let himself worry about that. After all, he might not live long enough to seriously regret his actions, if he didn't _perform_ said actions within the next 5 or 6 minutes.

…

L wanted his ears pierced, and he wanted them pierced _now_. And if he didn't get what he wanted in his current sugar-deprived state, who _knew _what he might do? Deciding to have everyone eat him first (if worse came to worst in this situation), for starters.

Matsuda felt angry at himself for not thinking the entire thing through _prior _to making such a promise to the unhinged detective.

For one thing, he had no idea where he was going to be able to even obtain the tools _necessary_ to pierce someone's ears. He would have to cobble together what few resources he had in order to make this work.

Mogi was still attempting to light a fire, but he was having very limited success so far. Soichiro and Aizawa sat side by side, their shoulders touching. The cold in the room was almost visible.

Matsuda spotted something that might work to pierce one's ears. He felt a mixture of both intense nervousness and excitement rise within him.

"Aizawa, is that a safety pin that I see attached to your shirt?"

"Um…yeah. Why?"

"May I use it?"

"Sure…?"

Evidently, no one had been paying much attention to what he and Ryuzaki had been doing, or what they were planning to do.

Matsuda wiped off the sharp end of the safety pin and, with his elbow, held L firmly against the wall while he leaned closer to the detective's ears and carefully positioned the sharp metal.

_**DAY 5**_

_**Approx. 12:00 am**_

Misa's head still hurt, but at least the nausea had gone away. Shivering, she slowly made her way down the dark hallway, attempting to find her way to the observation room. If she could find the observation room, she would be safe.

If she could only find it…

* * *

><p>Light had awoken to the sound of L screaming. The scene before him was insane, to say the least.<p>

Matsuda was hanging off of L's back and appeared to be attacking him with a safety pin. L looked like he was trying to get Matsuda off of him and away from his small weapon, panic oddly visible in his eyes. Mogi was trying to start a frickin' _fire_.

And what were everyone else doing? Absolutely nothing! Watching the events unfold with general disinterest!

Light was disturbed.

"Where the hell is _Watari_?" Light shouted, desperate for assistance from someone who was sure to act logically around at least 98% of the time.

All activity seemed to stop as everyone tried to think of the answer.

"Um?"

In a brief moment of sanity, L felt stupid for not noticing the old man's absence.

"Oh," Matsuda answered nervously, "I don't really know. I noticed that he was no longer here a little while ago." He laughed cheerlessly and scratched the back of his neck.

The room was filled with an uneasy silence.

…A silence that was quickly broken by Aizawa shouting, "HOLY SHIT!"

"…?" Light looked in the direction of which the man was facing.

He saw the source of the afro man's distress.

Once everyone saw Light's turtle inside the observation room (when it should have been safely locked away in a cage on an entirely different story of the building), they, too, became terrified.

"OMG WHAT IF THE TURTLE IS A WARLOCK? !" someone shouted fearfully.

"WHAT IF _WATARI _IS A WARLOCK? !" cried another.

"NO!" amended Matsuda. "WHAT IF THE TURTLE _IS _WATARI? !" His eyes were wide.

Voices began to rise with greater frequency as the previously miserable atmosphere gave way to one of trepidation.

Light gaped at everyone. His plan for the future had been _ruined_! Not his plans to, you know, take over the world and become god, but his plans to see which person would be afraid of his _flippin' _turtle.

After all, it would be kinda hard to do that now that everyone in the entire room would most likely leave with a psychological phobia of turtles and warlocks and _wait why the hell does Ryuzaki have his _ears _pierced? !_

Light felt slightly dazed.

Everyone was flipping out and running away from the slow-moving turtle. Light stood there, helpless to stop the madness.

A familiar voice sounded out as Watari emerged, walking to the middle of the room. No one was sure where he came from.

"I'm not a turtle, don't worry. I'm right here," he assured, pausing for a few moments before adding more quietly, "I've been right here all along…"

Awkwardness filled the room.

It was at that moment that Misa Amane burst into the room effortlessly.

_The…the door…hadn't…been locked after all? !_

"Light!" she cried. "I'm so glad I found you!"

Well…that was a bit longer than I thought it would be…

Lol…the sun is coming up again…which means I haven't slept in two days now…xD I'm all loopyish. The scary thing is that I don't even really remember writing most of that, or even what I wrote…XD I've been like, half asleep this entire time. Lol...that's my excuse for any "wtfness" that this chapter might contain.

Reviews will make me eat my socks! :D

I think that's a good thing. o-o

…o-O

I don't think I know what I'm talking about anymore. I think I'll just end this by saying please review. :3 XD

P.S: Lately I've been rather obsessed/addicted to the LxMatsuda pairing (a bit one-sided on Matsuda's side), and pretty much anything and everything associated with it. I hope that didn't affect this chapter too much. –w- I plan on writing some kind of oneshot featuring this pairing, but I am rather fail when it comes to coming up with any kind of story ideas for romance. If anyone has any suggestions for this (not necessarily humor), I'd love to hear them! :D

~Ratt Kazamata

7/23/2011


	12. The Great Name War

Wtf, the writing quality of this chapter is largely atrocious. I wrote this in the midst of struggling with constant dizzy spells and irritating bouts of partial vision loss, so any grammatical errors and really crappy writing in this chapter is most likely due to the fact that I was metaphorically drooling on the keyboard while composing it. The same goes for this author's note. 

I promise, I'm getting back to the main storyline now (though I admit, it was rather fun to write those three seemingly unrelated chapters). Also, any LxMatsuda moments this might contain were completely unintentional, but might be there without me realizing it in light of my current (hopefully temporary) obsession with LxMatsuda. Hope you don't mind, and if you do, I apologize. =/ Hope you enjoy.

_**DAY 5**_

_**6:13 am**_

"_Matsuda."_

L's voice was colder than Matsuda had ever heard it before. Matsuda swallowed nervously before calling out his shaky reply. "Y-yes, Ryuzaki?"

"Please come here to speak to me privately. _Right._ _Now_."

Matsuda's entire body stiffened. "R-right away, Ryuzaki." Abandoning the files he had been looking over, Mastuda stood up and hastily made his way out of the room to where L stood waiting outside the door.

He got straight to the point. "Last night, you pierced my ears for the sake of yaoi."

L's tone of voice sounded incredibly accusatory.

"Yes, I did…" mumbled Matsuda.

"There. Are now. Holes. _Holes _in my ears. In. My. Ears," L emphasized, struggling to suppress his frustration.

Matsuda shrank a bit lower. "Y-yes, that's kinda the whole point of a piercing."

"_You_ are the one who did this to me."

Matsuda nodded, trembling in fear. He realized that he would much rather face Aizawa's burning fury than L's icy anger. At least with uncontrolled rage, he knew what to expect; this cold bitterness, on the other hand, certainly was not something he was accustomed to dealing with.

In the back of his mind, however, Matsuda couldn't help but feel ever so slightly angry at the detective for blaming _everything _on him. L _had _been the one to tell him to do it in the first place, after all.

"Y-you asked me to," Matsuda pointed out.

"I am aware of this," L snapped.

"Then why—?"

"Because _you _are the fool who decided to listen to me in the first place. Was it not obvious that my mind was not in the right place at the time?" L got all up in Matsuda's face. "Do I _normally _ask my coworkers if I look pretty, Matsuda? Is that _really _what you consider to be _customary behavior _for me?"

Matsuda slightly flinched away from L's face. "N-no, y-you don't usually do stuff like that…"

"Therefore you are admitting that you _knew _that I was not using proper judgment at the time, yet you _still _went through with what I had been telling you to do."

"Erm…maybe?" Matsuda's voice sounded small.

"Matsuda, you _idiot_!"

Matsuda shied away. "They will go away after a little while, if you don't put anything in them!" he promised.

L froze. "…They will?"

"Erm…well…I mean…_duh_." Matsuda looked flustered. "It's like a stab wound—it'll eventually heal. I would know—I used to have pierced ears, too."

Ryuzaki, calmer now, stared at the man with curiosity. "I see. That is…very interesting, Matsuda-san. You may go."

Matsuda nodded in thanks. Before leaving the room, Matsuda had one question to ask.

"Hey, Ryuzaki?"

"Yes?"

"Erm…when you are on a sugar low, like you were last night…is it similar to being drunk?" Matsuda asked tentatively.

"Not quite. It's worse," L replied matter-of-factly.

"W-worse? How so?"

L locked eyes with Matsuda and said, "It is worse than being drunk because afterwards, you still remember _everything_."

* * *

><p><em><strong>DAY 5<strong>_

_**8:09 am**_

Light seriously wondered why Mogi was dancing in front of him singing "Dude Looks Like A Lady," holding up a sign with the words "Im A Gay" written on it.

Mogi was very pleased with himself. Mogi hoped that the teen was feeling very embarrassed now that the unfortunate spelling of his last name, "Yagami," was being pointed out in front of everyone.

Once everyone was looking at him, Mogi ceased his singing of "Dude Looks Like A Lady," and began to chant, "I'm a gay! I'm a gay! I'm a gay!" Mogi wondered how many other people had noticed this incriminating truth about Light's last name towards his sexuality. Anyone with such a last name was surely not straight. Light _must _be the one who wrote Card 3 _{Card 3: I used to crossdress}_.

Everyone just continued to stare at him. Mogi wondered why—shouldn't they be looking at Light? Didn't they, too, wonder what his reaction to all of this would be?

Mogi was brought back to reality when Light commented, "Well, that certainly is an…_interesting _way to come out of the closet, Mogi."

That's when Mogi realized that he was dancing around with a sign that said "Im A Gay."

That's when Mogi realized that he was also over and over again repeating the words "I'm a gay" as loudly as he could.

That was when Mogi realized that there was a considerably large flaw in his supposedly perfect plan.

Mogi's eyes widened in horror as he dropped his "Im A Gay" sign to the ground.

His mortification about life in general intensified when L said, "Mogi-san, while I applaud you for being so straightforward, was that little production _really _necessary?"

"No no no!" he exclaimed. "That's not what I was doing!"

Light raised an eyebrow. "Then…what _were _you doing?"

Mogi straightened. "I was challenging your sexuality!"

Light appeared to be skeptical. "Challenging _my _sexuality?"

Mogi nodded. "Because…your last name backwards is…'IMAGAY!'"

Light's eye visibly twitched. He clenched and unclenched his fist. "Are you trying to _start _something with me?" If looks could kill, Mogi would be dead a hundred times over. Mogi had never seen the teen look so utterly pissed off.

"Um…yes. Yes I am!" Mogi answered dumbly.

Slamming his hand down on the desk, Light cried, "YOU'RE ON, BITCH! _NO ONE _INSULTS MY NAME AND GETS AWAY WITH IT!"

Light stormed out of the room, and Mogi vaguely wonders if perhaps he's made a mistake. Light _was _a Kira suspect, after all.

* * *

><p>Light furiously types Mogi's name into his laptop's database. He would find something to get back at him, even if it killed him.<p>

And that's when he saw it.

Light's jaw dropped.

Mogi's middle name was Dickercock.

Oh my god I'm so sorry again for that terrible writing (and the horribly short chapter)! DX You have no idea how many times I had to completely open a new document and rewrite this chapter to get it to make even a bit of sense. I hope to be better by the next update. Thanks for reading! Please review! If you review, L will mail you sweets. O:

~Ratt Kazamata

7/28/2011


	13. Someone's Life Might Be A Lie

I'm beginning to feel as if I need to plan this story out at least 3 chapters in advance, because I continuously find myself wishing that I would have briefly introduced certain concepts in earlier chapters so that they can be implemented into this plotline I'm trying to piece together and make sense of. Blah. Oh well.

In any case, enjoy!

**CHAPTER NAME: Evidence Suggests That Someone's Life Might Be A Lie**

_**DAY 5**_

_**8:24 am**_

Light pranced into the room, the new information about Mogi and his middle name (which was more unfortunate that his _own _name) dominating his mind.

"I, Light 'Imagay,' have discovered that you, Kanzo Dickercock Mogi, are in absolutely no position to insult anyone's name other than your own," he announced loudly. "Did your parent's _hate _you or something?"

Mogi's eyes widened and his face turned a shade of pink. He glanced around the room at everybody. Everything about his body language suggested that he desperately wanted the teen to stop talking. Preferably sooner rather than later.

Fortunately, that very opportunity presented itself when Watari barged into the room announcing, "Ryuzaki, the perpetrator—the reason for the security breach—has been found and apprehended, just as you requested."

"Excellent work, Watari. And what of the person's identity?" Everyone directed their attention to the old man.

"Wellll…" began Watari, "you might find this just a bit unbelievable."

"Oh? And why is that?" L's curiosity grew further.

"Errr…that breach in security…it was, erm…well, it was caused by Barney the Dinosaur,

Sir."

* * *

><p><em><strong>DAY 5<strong>_

_**8:47 am**_

Soichiro paced back and forth about the room. Behind the one-sided glass of the interrogation room sat "Barney"—a man too humiliated with his life to comply with Watari's commands to remove the dinosaur mask and, thus, expose his identity.

The old man's response to this was to attempt to remove the mask by force, only to discover that the mask was super-glued to the rest of the costume.

Which was just wonderful, of course.

"Maybe _Barney _is Kira," suggested Matsuda helpfully.

The expected "Shut up, Matsuda, you aren't helping!" from Aizawa never came. Mogi took note of Aizawa's uncharacteristically compliant behavior.

"No," L cut in. "It is entirely possible that someone hired him to be here. While I have not quite yet worked out the motives for someone having done so, this is most likely what has occurred. Twenty-three percent."

"Why would someone hire Barney to be here?" Matsuda asked.

"…I _just _said that I have yet to work that out."

"Oh yeah, that's right," Matsuda laughed nervously, scratching the back of his neck.

L sighed, and then mumbled in a quiet voice meant only for his own ears, "That Barney mask is actually much scarier to look at in person…"

Unfortunately, Matsuda heard it. "You're scared of Barney?" he asked. L winced at how loudly this had been spoken.

"I am not _scared _of Barney, Matsuda," L insisted forcefully.

"But you said—"

"Just because I said the mask is scary does not mean that I am actually frightened of it," L interrupted, not looking at him.

"Oh. Well, _I'm _scared of Barney," Matsuda admitted, casting a worried glance in the direction of the interrogation room.

Before L could reply, Aizawa said, "Barney isn't really scary at all. My daughter watches him all the time, and she's never been the slightest bit afraid of him. I'm not saying I like him, but hey—he keeps my daughter out of my hair when I'm trying to work. He's a good electronic babysitter."

Mogi's eyes widened.

_That's it! That's the missing puzzle piece!_

"Aizawa," Mogi started slowly, "have you ever seen an episode of Barney?"

The man shrugged. "One or two. My daughter sometimes asks me to watch it with her."

Mogi absentmindedly bit his thumb, subconsciously impersonating L when he was in deep thought. "I see. That's interesting."

The conversation now dismissed, L turned his attention to the man in the Barney outfit. Speaking into the microphone, he asked, "Do you have a name?"

"Barney" nodded.

"Will you at least tell us your first name?"

Slowly, Barney nodded. "Gaylord."

Well, L decided, this man's life certainly must suck. A lot.

"Alright, Gaylord. Who hired you?" L tried.

Gaylord shook his head. "I-I can't tell you that…"

"That's a shame. I suppose you will just stay here until you decide to tell us. Is that understood?"

The man didn't move for a few moments before slightly nodding. L turned to the rest of the task force and said, "You are all under suspicion of hiring this man. Light-kun is suspected the most, because he is Kira. Therefore, he and I will be together 24/7 until this gets resolved. Again. Watari, please retrieve the handcuffs."

The old man did so, and L slapped them onto their wrists.

Light slammed his head against a desk in exasperation. "Those…those things…just came off…two weeks ago…" he giggled hysterically to himself, as if the news had given him a nervous breakdown. "And now…and now they're being put back on…hee hee hee…ha ha ha! My life sucks, hee ha ha!"

L eyed him carefully. "Did Light-kun forget to take his medication today?"

Light raised his index finger and tapped the air, as if he had just remembered. "Oh…that's right…I'll go do that, then…" As if in a daze, he slowly walked in the direction of the bathroom. L trailed behind him.

Soichiro blinked, wondering when exactly life at Kira Task Force HQ had become so…bizarre.

GAH. ASDKJFSL THIS IS SO SHORT. I had major writer's block, and literally spent days trying to figure out what events should occur after that last part. I failed to come up with anything, so I just decided to post this chapter now. I'm quite sorry.

Please review? Reviews are my life? :3

Thank you for reading.

~Ratt Kazamata

8/07/2011


	14. Of Hugs, Baseball Bats, & Devious Intent

I apologize for the delay.

_**DAY 5**_

_**1:59 pm**_

Mogi had, in his mind, come up with the perfect plan. Everything was ready to go. All that was left to do now was to completely humiliate himself in front of the rest of the task force.

He could deal with that. It was a necessary sacrifice. He wasn't going to lose this contest just to save himself some wounded pride. After all, this was _important_.

"Hey, Mogi! Did you know that if you watch the clock change from one hour to the next, it's good luck?" Matsuda was saying, eyes fixated on the time displayed on the computer monitor.

Not paying much attention to Matsuda's words, Mogi mumbled disinterestedly, "Oh, that's great, Matsuda." Standing up, he announced, "Alright, everyone. I'm going to be busy with work for a while, so I'll be staying here overnight tonight. I'm just going to head home real quick to grab a few things. I'll be back soon."

"See you later, Mogi-san!" Matsuda said, waving.

Mogi assumed a solemn expression. "Matsuda…" he began in a low tone of voice that caused the younger man to fall silent. Mogi took an uncertain step toward him.

"Wh-what is it?" Matsuda felt a bit odd about the way Mogi was acting.

"I will…see you soon." Mogi stretched out his arms awkwardly, where they remained suspended in mid air for several moments before he hesitantly wrapped his arms around Matsuda in a loose embrace. The rest of the task force kinda stared at them awkwardly, save for L, who didn't even tear his eyes away from his computer screen. A few of the officers regarded Mogi with a "wtf" expression atop their faces. Before Matsuda could even figure out how to react to such an unexpected gesture from the man who was usually so stoic, Mogi had moved on to hugging Soichiro.

Soichiro gasped, in the way that he always does when he is surprised (Have you ever noticed how Mr. Yagami always seems to be in a perpetual state of shock? If you watch the series just looking for the many scenes where Soichiro overreacts to something, it would probably become progressively apparent to you that he is very amusing when he is freaked out). "Um…Mogi? I'm not sure this is entirely appropriate."

Ignoring him, Mogi moved on to victimize Aizawa with his affection next. "_Fucking let go of me, Mogi_," the afro man growled. Not wishing to anger him further, Mogi hugged Light.

"…Mogi, this is sexual assault. If you don't get off of me, I might just have to break your face with my fist," Light informed the man in that ever-so-pleasant tone of his.

Mogi blinked—a subtle acknowledgement to the teenager's threat. He meant to immedietly hug the next person in line, but, seeing as how it was L, Mogi hesitated a bit. If he touched L and L didn't like it, the detective had the authority to fire him from his job, take all the money in his bank account, tell the public that Kanzo Mogi is Kira, and potentially eat his future children (after dipping them in sugar, of course).

He just hoped that L would be a good sport about it and wouldn't do anything drastic.

Mind made up, Mogi slowly snaked his arms around the detective's body, mentally preparing himself for the man to protest angrily. L went stiff like a board, as if terrified by the very idea of physical touch.

Mogi released a relieved sigh when the expected kick to the face never came.

"…_Kindly remove your arms from my person, Mr. Mogi,_" the detective ordered in a strained yet stern tone of voice. Frightened off, Mogi let go of him.

Everyone in the room continued to watch him tentatively. Finally, Light was the one to break the silence when he asked, "What the hell was _that _all about?"

Mogi tried to appear as pathetic as possible. "Well…recently my goldfish died, so I've been feeling sorta lonely, and I just got the urge to hug you all...sorry." His goldfish actually _had_died the week before, so it was the perfect cover story. Mogi walked out of headquarters briskly, leaving them all feeling eternally grateful for being able to retain their own sanity throughout the course of their lives.

* * *

><p><em><strong>DAY 5<strong>_

_**2:12 pm**_

Matsuda and Soichiro stood in front of the one-sided glass of the interrogation room, staring at Gaylord. The man had yet to remove his Barney costume.

Soichiro had been wanting to get Matsuda alone for some time now. He had a suspicion that Card 20 {_Card 20: I once glomped Mickey Mouse in Disneyland, causing him to fall backwards and crack his head open_} was written by Matsuda. Why?

Because it just sounded like something Matsuda would do. That's why.

That, and he was also probably the only one stupid enough to proceed to tell people about it, even in an embarrassing secrets contest.

Soichiro knew exactly what needed to be done in order to get his evidence. He would utilize the fact that fooling Matsuda was by far not a large feat.

"Matsuda," Soichiro said solemnly, catching the younger officer's attention.

Matsuda turned to him. "Yes, Chief?" Matsuda's round, innocent eyes watched his superior with curiosity.

"This past week, I have been performing psychological evaluations for each member of the task Force," Soichiro lied. "It's required every once in a while for police officers, after all, and even though we are no longer on the force, I still think it's a good idea. It obviously became a regulation for a good reason, after all."

Matsuda stared at his ex-commanding officer in awe. "That—that's a great idea, Chief! You really do think of everything, don't you?" Matsuda was always quick to shower a person with flattery.

Soichiro coughed politely, never having been very adept when it came to addressing any sort of adulation toward him. "Yes. Well. Let's go to a private room to do this. Please, come with me." With a nod, Matsuda followed the older man into one of the interrogation rooms.

* * *

><p><em><strong>DAY 5<strong>_

_**2:18 pm**_

Mogi stood apprehensively at the front door of Aizawa's house, gripping the man's house keys firmly in his sweaty fist. Hugging the whole team in a false display of insane affection had given him the perfect opportunity to snatch the house keys from his coworker's back pocket.

He knew, of course, that what he had done (and what he was about to do) was technically illegal and could be classified as sexual harassment, theft, breaking-and-entering, searching without a search warrant, and just generally unethical, but screw the law. Screw ethics. This was _necessary_.

Mogi turned this knowledge over and over in his mind.

He was doing the right thing. He was.

It wasn't like Mogi planned to, say, kill Aizawa's family, or kidnap his daughter, or something drastic like that. No—he just needed to look around a bit, that's all. It would all turn out perfectly fine. Absolutely nothing to worry about.

Mogi jingled the copper-coloured key with nervousness.

…Aizawa was going to _kill_ _him_.

Taking a deep breath, Mogi stuck the jagged edge of the key into the deadbolt on the front door. He hesitated before twisting it to the unlock position, although he knew no one would be home. Aizawa's wife, Eriko, was out at her half-time job, and his daughter, Yumi, would be with a sitter. Mogi had already taken all of this into consideration.

He turned the lock ever so slowly—almost tenderly, like one would a lover. There was an unmistakable _clink! _as the deadbolt unlatched.

Mogi carefully turned the door knob and gently prodded open the door.

_¡WHOOSH!_

The ex-cop hadn't the chance to take even more than a few steps past the threshold of Aizawa's house before he was met with a rush of wind and the angry glare of something metal, accompanied by a sharp, loud, "_HIIIIIYAA!_"

It was only by pure instinct that Mogi managed to duck in time for a very random, inflexible metal baseball bat to sail right over his head and collide with the space he had been occupying just moments previously. Mogi's hands automatically flew up to protect his head without even thinking.

He didn't have _time_ to think. Whoever was swinging that baseball bat was still going at it.

He cowered, his back against the wall, as the weapon slammed against his side. He grunted in pain.

"I'm calling the cops!" a female voice announced loudly and shakily.

_Wait! That voice!_

"Sayu…?" Mogi tried, "Sayu Yagami…?"

He carefully raised his head to see Soichiro Yagami's daughter standing in a defensive position with the baseball bat. Yumi Aizawa was hiding behind her. Sayu's whole body was shaking in fear.

Mogi raised his arms slightly in a non-threatening position, and softly said, "My name is Kanichi Moji. We've met a few times before; I work with your father. Please lower your weapon."

The girl was hesitant at first, but finally relented. "Wh-what are you doing here?" she asked.

"I'm here to conduct an investigation," Mogi informed, "but…what are _you _doing here?"

Sayu sank to her knees and took a few deep, calming breaths. "Babysitting Yumi for Eriko-san. Geez, Moji-san, you really shouldn't do things that scare people so much."

"Ahh…I'm sorry, Sayu. I was…unaware that anyone was home."

"Huh. I find it hard to believe that Aizawa-san wouldn't have told you about it. Does he actually _know _that you're here?"

_Damn_, thought Mogi, _I should have known better than to underestimate Light's_ _sister._

"Erm…about that…" Mogi scratched the back of his head, much in the same way that Matsuda often did.

"I didn't think so." Sayu crossed her arms over her chest, causing Mogi to smile sheepishly. "So, what are you investigating?"

"Erm…Th-that's…confidential, I'm afraid…"

"Ah," Sayu said, nodding slightly in acknowledgment, "then I'm afraid I'll just have to call the police and let you explain to them why you broke into your coworker's house and assaulted his child and the child's babysitter." Her face twisted into a disturbing, devilish grin.

"A-assault? !" Mogi stammered, taken aback. "I didn't assault either of you!"

Sayu's expression immediately changed to one of obvious feigned innocence. "Oh, but of course you did!" she exclaimed, her voice holding a sense of dramatic fearfulness. "I'm just a poor and defenseless young girl!" She flung her arms forward, exposing them out from under the sleeve of her sky-blue knit sweater. "All of these bruises I got from playing extracurricular sports could easily be made to look like your doing." She smiled at him smugly.

Mogi's eyes widened. _Screw Light_, he decided, _I bet _Sayu _is Kira!_

Mogi briefly wonders what Soichiro would do if _both _of his children were accused of being Kira.

"_Fine_," Mogi finally agreed, groaning. "I'm just conducting a house search, after all."

* * *

><p><em><strong>DAY 5<strong>_

_**2:25 pm**_

"Hey, Chief…no offense, but…this doesn't really seem like a valid psycho-evaluation…"

"What ever do you mean, Matsuda?"

"Well…"

Soichiro blinked curiously. He was holding up a pair of Mickey Mouse ears, on a Mickey Mouse hat. "Go on.."

"Well, erm, what does how I feel about a pair of Mickey Mouse ears have anything to do with my ability to do work as a police officer?" Matsuda blurted out.

Soichiro's eye twitched. He was not in the mood for Matsuda of all people to doubt his authority. "How dare you question my infinite knowledge?"

"…Chief?" faltered Matsuda timidly, afraid that Mr. Yagami might have fallen off his rocker. Matsuda was so confused.

"Just tell me what the hell you feel when you look at the goddamn mouse ears!" Soichiro was fed up with this. Matsuda has not been cooperating at all, and he kept staring at Soichiro as if he had become insane.

"But I don't _understand_!" Matsuda cried unhappily, a bit frightened.

"Well," Soichiro huffed, rising to his feet, "I guess you're too much of an idiot to understand the obvious." He stormed away, frustrated and fuming.

Matsuda just whimpered, having no idea what exactly had just happened.

* * *

><p><em><strong>DAY 5<strong>_

_**2:31 pm**_

"What exactly are we looking for, anyway?" Sayu Yagami asked, as Mogi opened cabinet after cabinet and drawer after drawer.

"You'll see…" Mogi muttered, searching through all of the junk he could find.

_Surely that card belongs to Aizawa, _he thought. _It would be so easy for it to be his! It would make perfect sense!_

Mogi was struck with a sudden inspiration.

"Yumi…" he began slowly, catching the young child's attention, "do you own any Barney episodes…?"

The little girl nodded timidly. Mogi purposefully avoided Sayu's inquisitive stare.

"Please show me where they are…?"

Without a word, Yumi led them over to a small closet which was built into the wall, which she pointed at.

Mogi opened it cautiously, as if something might jump out of it at any given moment. He was shocked at what he found.

The inside of the tiny locker-like compartment looked like a Barney the Dinosaur shrine. Barney's picture was framed, surrounded by un-lit, ritualistic candles. Barney stickers covered the wall, causing Mogi to feel like he was being watched. The shrine was completed by stacks upon stacks of Barney the Purple Dinosaur disks.

_Yes! _thought Mogi, both excited and thoroughly disturbed at the same time. _I _knew _Aizawa was the one obsessed with Barney! I was right! I was right!_

It was Sayu's voice that ended up breaking the heavy silence.

"…What the _hell_?"

I'd like to thank _Ed and Winry 4ever_ for giving me the idea to use Sayu.

Ever notice how I always seem to use the observation room as kinda the "go-to" room for everything (due to a complete lack of creativity, I know)? Well. Now there's _another_ room of which I can (lazily) overuse and annoy thy readers with its repetition! :D And thus comes into existence the interrogation room. =]

Please review! :D Reviews make me so, so happy.

Thank you for reading. =]

~Ratt Kazamata

8/29/2011


	15. Light Does Not Have Sex With Sayu

I'm not even sure how to begin to come up with an excuse for being over a month late to update this, but it doesn't have anything to do with becoming bored with it. I've just been distracted a lot recently. I also had to re-write this chapter numerous times because my computer, for some reason, kept deleting the document. Maybe it wasn't happy with it. Neither am I. Regardless, I hope you enjoy!

_**DAY 5**_

_**2:43 pm**_

The most annoying part of Sayu's personality, Mogi decided, was her stubbornness.

"There's absolutely no _way _that I'm just going to let you leave after witnessing all _that_!" she had cried angrily when Mogi attempted to leave the house.

"You plan to hold me prisoner in Aizawa's house?" Mogi asked tentatively, quickly sizing the young girl up. He did not want to have to hurt Soichiro Yagami's children, if he could help it.

Pouting, Sayu shook her head. "No…I'm going with you."

Mogi's expression softened as he looked down at the girl. Round, defiant brown eyes stared back at him. "I'm afraid that's impossible."

Sayu pouts and crosses her arms. "What are you talking about? Nothing's impossible except dribbling a football, and even that's kinda sketchy."

"Sayu, I'm not allowed to let you come back with me. Besides, you have Yumi to take care of."

"Yumi can come with me," Sayu assures. "She's a quiet girl; she won't cause any problems."

"This is a non-negotiable matter—"

"I'm still willing to call the police and tell them you assaulted me."

* * *

><p><em><strong>DAY 5<strong>_

_**3:01 pm**_

Light glares odiously at the handcuff around his wrist. Its silver metal stares tauntingly back, all the while gleaming to him devilishly. Light knows what this means—the cuffs will have to die, and soon. He needs to name them as quickly as possible so that he can write their name in the death note.

Yes, that sounds just about perfect. Light will name the handcuffs, and then Light will write that name in the death note, and then Light will watch as they slowly begin to rust, and then Light will snap the chains off one by one, and then Light will laugh as they all crumble, and then Light—

And then Light.

And then Light realizes that he's just spent two whole minutes fantasizing about the death of an inanimate object.

_I might be beginning to go crazy, _Light thinks to himself, not feeling as concerned as he probably should be.

It's not the actual handcuffs that Light has a problem with, really. It's the man whose wrist is occupying the cuff on the side opposite of him.

"Light-kun," comes a voice.

_(An infuriatingly-monotone-silky-freaking-carefully-accented voice that makes him just want to rip the goddamn hair right out of his goddamn—)_

"Yes, Ryuzaki?" Light answers pleasantly. He looks the older man in the eye out of sheer professional politeness.

The detective delicately stirs his sugar-ridden tea with a tiny spoon before setting it down next to the cup. "Has Light-kun ever been in possession of a goldfish?"

Light eyed him suspiciously. Has L somehow deduced that Kira owns a goldfish? Can this answer be used against him in court?

Light really hopes not, because if so, it will take a lot more than Kira to save the world. If the world is already this far gone and ridiculous, there might as well be an army of apes marching around with signs, protesting the sun and underage sex. No, saying whether he has ever owned a goldfish will surely not incriminate him anywhere on the planet, save of course for the mind of the insane detective asking the question. Yes, Light is most certainly safe.

Still, Light feels reluctant to open the window.

"No, I haven't."

L looks at the floor as if assessing the teen's response. "I see…" he mutters quietly, mostly to himself. "That's unfortunate."

Light narrows his eyes as he realizes what the detective is implying. Light inwardly scoffs. As if he actually wants L's friendship.

Without another word, L stands up and trudges away. Light nearly falls out of his seat when the chain around his wrist goes taut. With a grumble of irritation, he begrudgingly jogs to catch up with L.

A phone rings somewhere close by and L reaches his hand into his pocket to pull out his mobile. Kept in place between his two fingers, L holds his cell phone to his ear.

"Yes, Watari?"

Light can't make out the words spoken by the muffled voice on the other line, but he can tell that it is something troublesome by the way the older detective pinches the bridge of his nose as he listens. Finally, L says, "Alright, I understand," and snaps the phone shut.

L turns to Raito and says, "It would seem that Light-kun's sister has been smuggled inside headquarters by Mogi, along with Aizawa's daughter."

…_What?_

* * *

><p><em><strong>DAY 5<strong>_

_**3:06 pm**_

Mogi, Sayu, and Yumi stand outside of the main observation room of the task force HQ, where everyone is currently gathering under L's orders. The trio will not be let inside.

Matsuda isn't completely sure why it's such a big deal, though. It's not like Sayu is Kira or anything, right? Right.

He hopes.

After all, if Sayu is Kira, she might try to kill him if he ever works up the nerve to propose to her. Sure, Sayu is still just a young, attractive middle school attendee with an approximate ten-year age gap between her and the young police officer. Not to even mention the fact that her father is Soichiro Yagami—his former _boss_—and Soichiro Yagami will potentially beat Matsuda with a baseball bat and run him over with a car if he ever so much as sets foot in the same room as his daughter while being in possession of a ring.

But that's alright. That's totally fine, because by the time he finally actually manages to work up enough nerve to even present her with such a proposal, she might already be a married woman. Possibly long married. With grandchildren.

…Matsuda's self confidence isn't always exactly the best.

Matsuda flinches suddenly, feeling Soichiro's stare drilling holes in the back of his head. Matsuda becomes stiff, wondering why everyone in the task force seems to be able to read minds except for him. Perhaps they are all Edward-Cullen-ish-Meyerpires (because even Matsuda will agree that the beings described in Twilight are of an entirely different species than vampires) who can read the minds of everyone but Mary-Sues? Matsuda isn't a Mary-Sue. If he were a Mary-Sue, he would have to never screw anything up. He would also have to be female.

Matsuda is many things, but a female he is not.

Matsuda, his thoughts successfully jumbled, thinks that perhaps he should go to sleep after this matter with Sayu and Aizawa's daughter is resolved.

He still feels someone staring at him from behind. Turning around, Matsuda finds not Soichiro staring, but instead L.

"That's interesting," L says, almost as if to himself. "Mogi's actions seem more like something Matsuda-san would do. Mogi, under normal circumstances, would not act so foolishly."

Matsuda hangs his head slightly, unconsciously kicking at the ground as L chews on his thumb. Matsuda's head snaps up when he hears L mutter, "Perhaps Sayu is a Kira, and she is controlling Mogi right as we speak…"

There is an audible sharp intake of breath as Light cries, "Ryuzaki! You're being absolutely ridiculous! _Of course Sayu isn't fucking_ _Kira_!"

L regards the teen with wide eyes. "I should hope not, Light-kun. If Sayu was fucking Kira, that would be incest." The man is thoughtful for a moment. "Actually, speaking of which, I once deduced that Light-kun and Sayu were or are having a secret romantic relationship with one another. Light-kun's father was not happy with this when I shared these thoughts with him. However, the likelihood of such a relationship is high enough for me to investigate further. I will prove this, Light-kun."

Light's hand forms a tight fist as the brunette struggles to remain calm despite such ridiculous accusations. After all, this is most likely just Ryuzaki testing his reactions. "You know, Ryuzaki…I'm not Kira, and I've never had sex with my little sister. Sayu is not Kira, and neither is Aizawa's daughter. If you want to pursue the absurd theory that I am having an incestual relationship with my sister, fine. Be my guest. But do _not _expect to emerge from such an escapade with all of your limbs still attached."

L flashes Light a small smirk. "Challenge accepted."

* * *

><p>I am well aware that this chapter was of disappointing quality and length, as well as of the fact that nothing much happened. This chapter is riddled with mistakes, and I feel kind of sorry about making you read it. The next chapter will be much better than this. I'm not sure when I will next be able to update, because I will most likely be taking a month off from writing this, in favour of focusing my time on my other fic (<strong><em>Fiat Juticia Ruat Caelum<em>**), which I am writing for the NaNoWriMo writing contest throughout the month of November. In any case, thank you for waiting so long! Please review—they are practically what I live off of. Hope you enjoyed the chapter anyway, despite its overall crappiness and lack of humour!

~Ratt Kazamata 

10/21/2011


	16. Interrogation Of Children

I know I stopped updating for way too long, and I apologize. I also apologize for the absolutely inexcusable length of this chapter, but I'm trying to get back into writing this type of humour after taking such a long break from it. It's kind of not going very well.

.-.

_**DAY 5**_

_**3:26 pm**_

Aizawa, to say the least, was not happy. In fact, Aizawa could quite easily be described as currently being as far from happy as humanly possible. And, unlike the other times when he has found himself pissed off beyond belief, this time it has nothing to do with Matsuda or Ryuzaki. It does, however, have everything to do with Soichiro Yagami's daughter, Yumi, and that _goddamn bad influence Mogi! _

Just thinking about Mogi's story behind the reason both Yumi and her babysitter—Sayu—immediately reignited Aizawa's fury (if there was, in fact, any part of his anger that had actually managed to cool itself down enough to even need reigniting) because _it's so obvious that the fucking bastard is fucking lying and damndamndamn him grahhhhh._

Some logical portion of his brain—currently being crippled under the crushing weight of his emotions—asked him if maybe he should calm down. The man considered this for a fraction of a second before deciding that no, no one needed to "calm down" here.

Aizawa slammed his fist against the glass of the interrogation room in which Mogi was being held, again giving the typically quiet man a bit of a start. Aizawa had been startling the man in this same manner at random intervals ever since L had gone off to interrogate Sayu and Yumi, only about five minutes before.

And what the _fuck _was up with _that_, anyway? ! Yumi didn't need to be fucking _interrogated_! She was just a little kid and was likely scared out of her mind.

_Damn that Ryuzaki. Damn him. Damn Sayu for letting this happen. Damn her. Damn them all._

"Er, Aizawa?"

Aizawa blinked as Matsuda's tentative voice dragged him out of his reverie.

"Yes? What is it that you want, Matsuda?" The afro man was proud of himself. Despite the fact that the words were said in a tone that resembled speaking while chewing on marbles, Aizawa managed to keep his voice relatively calm as he turned to face the younger officer. But not before pounding again on the glass of the interrogation room to teach Mogi his lesson.

"I was just wondering…" –Matsuda seemed uncomfortable with how to go on— "I mean, you do realize that you are talking to yourself out loud, right?

"…"

Perhaps Aizawa needed to go calm himself down, after all.

* * *

><p><strong><em>DAY 5<em>**

**_3:59 pm_**

This was, to L, a very interesting situation.

It hadn't been very interesting until he had finished interrogating both of the young girls, because both of them had an entirely different version of what had happened.

This was obviously a conspiracy.

Sayu Yagami had told L that Mogi had come to Aizawa's house and uncovered a Barney collection, and that she had bothered him enough to let her and Yumi tag along with him. An interesting story, L decided, but completely inconsistent with the outrageous story Mogi had told him.

No one believed Mogi's story.

But little Yumi's story was much different.

Little Yumi's story involved talk of blackmail, murder, assaulting a cow's children, _sitting_ on said cow-child, flying bats, breaking and entering, leaving no witnesses, keeping prisoners, and pegging people with a football.

The young girl's story was obviously the story that made the most logical sense.

But, for some reason, when L had explained this to Light, the boy had looked at him as if he had just tried to convince him that he used to conduct his investigations on a moon made of cheese. L didn't quite understand what Light found so illogical about Yumi's explanation.

Obviously, the young girl spoke of what was clearly about Mogi participating in criminal activities.

Namely, blackmailing the owners of a slaughterhouse into handing over ownership to him, at which time he proceeded to rape a cow and have it bear its children, and then beating it to death with a football. He then obviously had a vampire bat suck all the blood out of the cow's children, and then, upon realizing that Sayu and Yumi had witnessed the entire event, kidnapped them and held them prisoner.

…

Upon analyzing his hypothesis in greater detail, L decided that he _really_ needed to get some sleep.

* * *

><p>After thinking about the story he had told everyone, Mogi decided that maybe saying that he had been rescuing Sayu and Yumi from superman wasn't the best of best ideas. But, he could never think properly when he was nervous.<p>

* * *

><p>Oh my god, again, I'm really sorry that I was away for so long and then post <em>this <em>disappointment. I don't know when the next chapter will be, but I'm kind of lacking in motivation for this one. –hides-

~Ratt Kazamata, 1-01-2012

PS: Happy new year, anyway!


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